On March 4th 2017, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was getting married to my now husband on September 8th, 2017. This was a complete and utter shock. We discussed our options, and through the tears we agreed we could not support a child right now; being that all of our expenses were being poured into our wedding. It didn’t sit great with our beliefs as we are both Christian but obviously we weren’t saints because well.... I got pregnant (please don’t judge me here) I struggled with the decision because I was 25.... I am an adult. But I went through with it. My husband by my side the entire time. (It was a terrible experience IMO) It wasn’t until I took the second pill that it started to sink in. I could have called off the wedding, who cares, it’s just money. We could have gotten married in a court house! We are adults; but it was too late. I cut supply to the baby growing inside of me and shortly after it passed.

I though I had grieved it to the full effect and moved passed it until now. We are on month 5 ttc (which I know isn’t long; recent potential pcos diagnosis they aren’t sure yet; I’m super irregular and have cysts, but don’t match the other benchmarks)

I was laying in bed with my husband tonight in tears telling him how stressful this is day in and day out, counting, poas, bbt, cm, BFN after BFN after BFN and that it’s something I go through alone and that I could use his support. He pulled me in tight as he started to doze off. I then asked him if what we did last year AKA abortion sat okay with him? He said no, and I asked why; to which he said I just hope we didn’t miss our one chance. I slid out of his hug and choked back the sobs until I got downstairs.

I believe in God and know that this is not his punishment and I pray daily for forgiveness and for the blessing of a child.

I am hurting so deeply and quietly by myself; I do not have much support on this topic.

Any words of encouragement are appreciated😔