I apologize in advance...this is a bit lengthy but I need a place to get it out and hopefully get some support.

Years ago, before we were married, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. It was not planned. We were both in college and scared but we committed to keeping the baby and starting our lives together. I'm a Christian and find a lot of comfort in faith and God. However, my mother-in-law uses her religion to hurt and condemn others. It is really a shame. When we told her we were pregnant, my parents were out of town. I needed a mom so much and she wouldn't even look at me. She left me to cry alone.

As the pregnancy progressed, she then proceeded to ask us and my parents to join her in praying that I would miscarry. My mother in law, used God as an excuse to justify a pregnancy loss. It was such a hard time in my life. I was in turmoil and not sure where my faith was.

Then, at our 20 week ultrasound, we found out that our baby had a rare disorder called Sirenomelia. He did not survive. I was too far along for a D & C. I was induced and had a stillbirth. I did not talk to God for a long time after that. I couldn't understand why we were put through finding out and building ourselves up to get excited for a life to have someone in our family condemn us, pray for our loss, and for that loss to come to pass.

Unfortunately, I did not confront her at that time. I was young and wasn't sure how to handle it so I swept it under the rug and pretended like nothing ever happened.

It has been almost 8 years since that time. My husband and I are very happy. We have gotten involved in church and found a small group of couples that support and love each other in our faith journey. I'm still not fully committed or sure where my faith stands but I'm progressing. All this to say, in October, we found out we were pregnant. We had planned this! Our careers were on track, we bought a house, we were married and happy and so so excited. We told our families over Thanksgiving and everyone was so happy. In early December, we had a miscarriage. My MIL tried to talk to me about it (she has had an abortion and a miscarriage in her previous marriage). I couldn't listen to her talk about how she understood. That every life is precious and she used to get mad at people who treated their kids badly. Really? Every life is precious? Except the one I was growing before we got married? How dare she say that to me?

We started trying again in January and we have a new little bean on board. I am praying so much for a sticky bean. 7 week appointment next week. Praying for a heart beat and good measurements. I'm not sure I'm ready for another loss. I try to be strong and know that the timing will be right when its right. But it is so hard to believe that fully.

Beyond that, I'm really struggling with telling my MIL. She has been so nasty. My husband has a really hard time with it too. He loves her, she's his mother and she raised him. But he knows that she has done unspeakable things to us and to our lost baby. We spend holidays and family time with her. I'm scared to tell her about the new pregnancy. I'm scared what she will say and do in front of my children some day. I'm just not sure how to handle it. I think I just need prayer and understanding. My husband is really great and wants to understand but he doesn't fully grasp what the losses have been like. He has spoken with her and told her that the next straw is the last, that he will always choose me over her. But, I need other women who get it...