Firstly, please just reply compassionately only to this message as it is a big deal for me to write it all down, and I couldn’t handle snide remarks etc....

So I am very worried about my husband. And I wondered if anyone could help me ‘diagnose’ him? I am so confused now as to what is normal and what isn’t.

We’ve been together for 4 years, and had two children in quick succession. It’s been a rough time because we’ve got two babies and got married and dealt with complications to do with exes etc. In many ways it feels like we’re still getting to know each other.

For the first few months of out relationship he was incredible. A dream come true, I thought. Too good to be true. My dream man.

Fast forward to today...

This evening we watched the film ‘get out’, and near the end he turned it off and went crazy, ranting about how scary it was, how fucked people are that they can watch stuff like that and not get effected. Then said he was afraid that if he watched it he would become paranoid all the time. He said he was afraid, not of the film, but of his reaction. He told me that as a child he trusted no one, that he was depressed, didn’t believe that his parents were his real parents. He has panic attacks (his legs wouldn’t move) when he was at friends houses, because he didn’t trust their families. He wouldn’t eat food that wasn’t prepared by his mother. He also used to hilousinate frightening things.

And now he controls his food so much. The list of things he won’t eat is so long that our diets have become extremely restricted, and whenever I cook the meal he always interferes and looks over my shoulder and is worried that I’m going to add something that is on his list of things he avoids. Today I made a cup of tea for him and he wouldn’t drink it, saying it smelt odd; and he was worried I had put something into it.

When i first met him he was just out of a very difficult relationship in which is partner was sometimes violent. When I met him he was paranoid that I would stab him in his sleep, which is also how he felt about his ex because of her violence.

He gets very fixed ideas about things, which are sometimes logical, but sometimes I feel far fetched.. for example in his diet he won’t eat soya or flax (or a number of other things) because they have oestrogen in them and he is convinced this will effect him negatively .

His diet is so specific and so controlled. He won’t eat things if they have touched plastic and are hot (I know there’s some logic in that, but sometimes I think it’s extreme). He doesn’t drink alcohol or do any drugs or smoke anymore. He used to drink but I have seen him become quite erratic when drinking. Once he smashed up our car with a log, after drinking, once he insisted he was find to drive me and out baby home despite having had 8 beers.

Now he doesn’t drink at all and is very controlled about it. I understand and respect his decision not to drink but I also worry that it’s another form of control.

He hates me using my phone near our bed because of what it might do to our brains.

He also has lost his temper to a scary degree in a number of occasions. For example I recently saw an old boyfriend of mine, and he got so angry that he ended up telling me he wanted to drown me in the nearby lake. And then threatens to hill himself. The other day he got so angry with me that he grabbed my by the shoulder, demanding I take back what I said, and then kicked the chair and table across the kitchen, all in front of our terrified toddler.

He then showed absolutely no remorse, would not apologise or admit he was ok the wrong at all, and actually hasn’t mentioned it since.

I feel like he can’t apologise for his bad behaviour because if he does he will have to face what he has done, and he can’t handle that.

He has absolutely no friends. He cuts people out of his life as soon as they get to know him properly. He doesn’t have a single friend or speak to anyone .

But wants us to move house so he can start afresh and meet new people who are likeminded.

He makes me feel uncomfortable about being friends with men (not in a controlling way, I just know he feels weird about it) and he gets irate when I speak to/see my exes (threatened to punch me in the face, smashed our car up, threatened to drown me). He doesn’t like any of my friends, with maybe one or two exceptions.

He is a very strange mix of having very low confidence, but also feeling like he is better looking and more intelligent than just about everyone.

I feel like he is quite narcissistic too... so concerned with his appearance. Always adjusting things in every reflection he sees. Planning and talking about new tattoos in great length for weeks on end.

He also spends money very irresponsibly. But I am not allowed to mention this or he will get angry. He spends about 3 times more than is necessary on food a week, and whenever he gets paid is super generous and lavish with money, then we are back to zero very quickly and then he is deeply depressed about it.

He is also often dishonest. Not in a drastic way, but just in small ways, fabricating stories to make them sound better or saying he will do things with zero intention of doing them. Or lying about money, or the price of things he has bought.

He also sometimes talks a lot, without break, with me only contributing to the conversation with “mmm” or the like. The other day I happened to glance at the clock and he talked non stop for 8 minutes whilst I was silent (I feel like thats a long time?!)

Ok....

These are but a few things that I worry about.... I just wonder if there’s anyone out there who recognises any of these behaviour and might be able to offer some advice. I am so stressed and so worried and have just almost had enough.

I feel I should add that I love him dearly, and there are tender moments between us daily. He is a good father. And a very good man with strong morals. I desperately want it to work with him. But I must say that at the moment I am finding it hard to be present, I feel moody and distant and like an observer, always trying to work out what’s on and what isn’t, what’s in my head and what isn’t . I love him in theory and I want it to work when I think about it, but on a daily, minute to minute basis I cannot best to be around him and his stress. I hate myself for saying it, but I fantasise about a life without him so often.