is he purposely hurting me?

i need your opinions, whether its harsh or in some ways comforting. my current boyfriend and i met 5 years ago, my junior year in high school. me and him have always been off and on because he was one of those little boys that wanted to have sex w any girl that was willing to offer some( i know i’m dumb for being with someone like that now but hey, we all got our pasts) anyways, skipping forward, me and him were getting serious (so i thought) but he ended up leaving me for some girl he knew he could get sex out of since i wasn’t clearly going to give my virginity up. it was hurtful for me at the time because he was someone i saw good in, we connected in deep levels and i knew the person he was at the time wasn’t the real him. he was sort of molded by his friends and social media. i’m a extremely forgiving person and have no need to keep hate in my heart so when we ran into each other once more i acted like i was ok. even though i was in fact ok. i learned to forgive but yet still remembering that he’s hurt me without ever apologizing. skip forward to a couple months after i graduated highschool, we reconnected and became so close that he introduced me to his family and friends but still remained being only friends. throughout the same year we had reconnected, i went through so many obstacles and pain that i completely felt alone. but yet he was the only one that would visit me and tell me so much positive things and refused to let me think so negatively about my life. he tried to motivated every single day and kept reminding me that everything that hurts now, is only temporary. he soon became my best guy friend. we would tell each other everything. we would meet each other’s boy friends and girlfriends and it was all going so well with us just being friends. one day his dad had a heart attack so i rushed over to the hospital as soon as i could. his family would take turns as to who would stay at the hospital over night and who gets to go home and sleep. so a day i chose to go, it was his turn to sleep at home. we both headed to his house and he cried out to me, telling me that he felt like his dad was not going to make it because his condition was severe. i hugged him and told him i’ve been praying every single day for him and his family. once we finished hugging, we kissed and that lead to making out and then sex. it was my first time having sex. i’ve always had opportunities but it had always felt wrong. at least not till that day with him. (yes girls, both of our previous relationships had ended prior to this).a couple months after having sex everything fell into place and we ended up together, ever since then i still occasionally remember what he did to me before we even became friends. he’s changed tremendously but he’s just not really good at relationships and i think it’s just because he’s only had one girlfriend besides me and the other girls were just fucks. he forgot our one year anniversary because he was out with friends, he looks at other girls when we’re together but i brought it up to his attention and he’s completely stopped. but what really hurts me is that he’s not consistent. he doesn’t always make me feel like i’m the only person he loves, or the only person he wants to be with, he’s so hot headed that he just says things i know he doesn’t mean but it still hurts me. he chooses to go out with his friends and smoke weed instead of coming to me when i really need him. everytime i bring it up he apologizes like crazy and tells me that he doesn’t realize what he does when he’s high. it hurts me so much because over the years i’ve learned that sorry doesn’t mean anything. he apologizes and the next time he’s with his friends he’ll forget about me when im literally up worried about if he’s really just out with his friends or with some other girl? all of his friends cheat on their girlfriends so it makes me wonder if he’s really out here playing me again. i wanna know if you guys think he’s really doing these thing on purpose or its not his intentions to do this, he just does it unconsciously. or is it me? am i being too paranoid about the past that i feel like he’ll leave me again for someone else?

ps idk if this even makes sense cause i’m drunk lmao. there are no wrong opinions!