I planned my pregnancy down to the month for two years. I am in medical school, which means I am very type A and want to be in complete control! Everything was planned out perfectly with breaks in school, we got pregnant at the exact time I wanted, and then I miscarried at 11w5d. I was an absolute wreck, and I was going to be starting my pediatrics rotation the following week.

My husband was going to a high Zika virus risk country in December, so we only had one month to try again before he left. So we tried, and I got a very faint line positive. I was so excited I went out and bought a cute little gift for my husband and kept checking the test. By that time I had spent a month checking strep throat tests which work very similarly to pregnancy tests so I thought I was a pro at reading faint lines. But then I got my period two days later and the tears flowed.

I completed my OB rotation in January. It was a very challenging rotation but also healing. I found comfort in counseling women through their miscarriages all the while keeping my secret that I had felt their pain just a few months prior. It also gave me hope seeing the vast majority of women not only having successful pregnancies, but also seeing that the vast majority had a history of a miscarriage. It made me feel less alone.

I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I still haven’t been able to see one of my best friends from school in person because her due date is one month after mine would have been. I think about what could have been every day, and as May 3rd approaches I feel the anxiety swelling.

However after my next period my husband and I will start trying again. The stars have once again aligned to work with my school schedule, the potential Zika risk has been minimized, and I feel like I am emotionally ready to go through this again.

But am I? I am so frightened of losing another baby. I am so worried about the guilt I will feel when/if I deliver a healthy baby because I will be thinking about the one I lost. I am tortured because I want to enjoy my next pregnancy but I fear it will be riddled with unrelenting anxiety.

I put this post out because I need to vent, and I hope other women (if they survived through my novel of a post) will connect with what I am feeling and be able to offer validation. Thanks to anyone who reads this post ❤️ hopefully I will be able to update with good news in the future!