A little background. I am 30 years old and 233 lbs. My fiance is 34 and 6 foot 5. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. We haven't gotten married yet bc as it stands he is on SSI, From an automobile accident we has in at 20. When we inquired about the process, we were told that when we get married the amount he gets each month with be drastically lowered. Since we make approximately the same amount each, my job and his SSI, we can't afford to have less money. It's also rigged against him getting a job. When the social worker we talked to time him if he made 100$ a month at a job, they will cut his checks. Sounded risky but we tried it. His disabilities made him a risk and he was let go not a month into the job. His checks didn't go back to normal for three months.

We dont see marrying for the near future but we are very happy. We started talking about starting a family. So we made a plan to seriously TTC starting next January. I enrolled in Krav Maga and so far lost 20 lbs. So far so good. Well we had a condom mishap Feb 26, my first green day of the month. (it stayed inside and he insisted to keep doing the jig after he finished. It took me a moment to realize what was happening but by the time I jumped off, the condom was jammed far back by my cervix. It didn't look like anything spilled at the time.) We didn't panic immediately because I just had AF a week prior. March 3rd, my last green day of the cycle. I started spotting brown. I had read about implantation bleeding and that's when we panicked.

I'm obese with an anxiety disorder, smoke and don't eat the healthiest. I grabbed some prenatals and started researching. My fiance and I talked and talked. We have a house full of cats. We make enough money to not be too comfortable but not worried every month. Can we add another mouth to feed yet? I'm not healthy enough, what if my problems effect the baby, what if something is wrong with the baby, will I be capable emotionally to take care of a special needs child...etc..so many questions. It felt like a big bubble was forming around us about to burst. When I discovered the spotting was ovulation bleeding we were relieved but unexpectedly disappointed. We realized that despite the fears and uncertainties that if we had been pregnant we would have been okay.

I'm still waiting for AF. She isn't supposed to arrive until March 14 on this Glow or March 17 on a different app. On March 8 I started, what I thought was AF, it was a little more than spotting and a mixture of brown and pink. It didn't really take up a regular size tampon and stopped the day after. We realized that the chance that we were pregnant didn't end with my ovulation bleeding. Today we face tomorrow with hope and we will see if AF does or does not come this month not with panic but with anticipation.