In college I was attacked by an exboyfriend, my boyfriend and I at the time didn’t know we were expecting, and we ended up losing the baby because of the trauma. I was also told to expect trouble becoming pregnant. When I met my husband five years later I decided to go in for testing so we’d be ready for a struggle. My primary physician did a bunch of imaging tests, but didn’t see anything that would make having children difficult.

When my husband and I decided to start trying, we took it easy. I went off birth control but didn’t do any ovulation tests or tracking. After a couple months we were expecting our first. Unfortunately I lost the baby at 10 weeks.

We decided to actively try after that. I downloaded a few tracking apps and purchased ovulation strips. A few months later, we were expecting again. Unfortunately I lost that baby at 7 weeks.

My primary physician decided I should see a specialist. Because of my history, and two losses, she was worried. She sent my information to the best specialist ObGyn in my area, and after a couple weeks he agreed to see me... in five months.

Three months later, I found out I was expecting again. I called my new doctor, who I’d never met, and he asked me to come in right away for some blood work. He did a qualitative test, and asked me to come back in two days. Two days later, my numbers had doubled and he scheduled an ultrasound.

First ultrasound was perfect, measuring on track at 6 weeks. They also looked around for any uterus abnormalities and didn’t see any. He schedule me to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks later, back for my ultrasound, and baby was again on track. But heartbeat measured at 98, good but the doctor wants it over 100, so he asks me to come back the following week.

The following week, I’m back. This time my new doctor is out so I see somebody else. She has bad news, the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. I lost the baby at 8.5 weeks.

A couple weeks later I have a follow up with my new doctor and he orders tons of blood work. He also had another specialist review the ultrasounds with him, and they both didn’t see any structural reason for repeated miscarriages. The blood work also came back, no reason for repeated miscarriages. Our options are to keep trying.

This time I gave up. I was obviously incapable of having a baby, so why keep up with the heartache. I tossed out all the test strips and deleted all my apps.

Six months later, I missed my period. I waited a few days, and when there was still nothing, I tested. The results broke my heart, super faint line. I called my doctor, said I was pretty sure I lost another, and went in for blood work. He confirmed my numbers were ‘inconclusive’ so I’m either newly pregnant or recently lost one. I tested again at home two days later, I had lost another baby.

This loss doesn’t hit me as bad, I think because I never went through the build up. I didn’t even share with my husband, just went about my normal routine. Looking back, I know I was just numb to the pain.

This last September my husband and I took a romantic trip to the coast of Lake Superior. We planned a drive up the north shore in our convertible to watch all the leaves turn. After a week of relaxation, good food, great wine, and simply enjoying each other, we come back recharged… and unknowingly pregnant.

Today I am 25 weeks with our miracle rainbow. It’s taken seven ultrasounds, ten doctor’s appointments, daily aspirin, and over a hundred shots of Lovenox — but today I have a strong, healthy bouncing baby in my belly. I’ve developed a heart condition, I’m having trouble gaining weight, and daily bouts of dizziness — but I’ve made it to viability. I still worry every day, but I also count every annoying kick in the ribs as a blessing.

I wanted to share this (super long) story with you all because I have been part of this group for over three years, since my and my husband’s first loss. I have cried with you and prayed with you. To the women currently there, your miracle will come! Even if you become numb like I did, never give up. Prayers and baby dust to all!