I’m a dumb ass with no self esteem.

Why the fuck is the break up hurting so bad? He’s a douche bag and I KNOW I deserve better. I blocked him. I ended things. I know this is the best decision but why does it stay on my mind all day? In a sick way I’m hoping he contacts me again & I’d be lying to say I don’t already miss him? Why? Idk? Cuz even on his best day he’s still a major dick. He puts me down, he openly disrespects me, he’s controlling and verbally abusive. So what the actual fuck it wrong with me? I won’t contact him. I won’t let myself but damn feelings really do suck.