Dear you, ( part one)


I feel so alone I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I feel like I am faking my feelings for attention. Maybe I am . Maybe I am just a horrible monster who is selfish and hungry for attention. I feel sad. I feel upset. I have imagined myself stabbing myself in my stomach. Or cutting my wrist. Everything hurts and it’s my fault. I have nobody here to talk to . If I do then once again I will feel the pain like a gun shot to my heart when the person I care for most will not care if I am hurt. It hurts so much. I deserve this torture. I guess the world knew how bad of a person I am so now they hate me and want to see me suffer. Nobody here cares for what I got to say. I feel so alone. The only thing that is with me is my self hate and my thoughts. Heh... guess I should get to the point where I tell you the story. Maybe half of it, if I do the whole thing it will take years to read. I just moved in to a new home on my first day of living at my new home I met a boy his brother, and sister. His sister was the oldest and his brother was the youngest. The boy is a similar age of mine. We became friend with each other quickly everything was perfect although I was a weird and strange person. I am surprised they were able to deal with my strange personality when I was younger. We both were in second grade. In third grade we went, and out of the blue I was developing a crush on him. I kept telling myself “ no he’s just a friend stop it” but I was not able to control myself. The crush was very cringey I just want to bang my head against a wall when I look back on it. He already found out so quickly we still remained friends although he didn’t like me back he still hang out with me . It felt like we were still friends and nothing changed. I made new friends on my bus I will name one Friend A And The other friend b. So later on I noticed that he was fooling around making jokes and teasing them. In my head it felt like he was bullying them. And with no hesitation I told home that we were no longer friends. Friend b moved away. I was so stupid enough to think it was because he kept “ bullying “ them when he was just goofing around. And then a year later ( 4th grade) friend A moved away same story with her. I thought she moved away because of him I was so stupid. I was so mean to him everyday at school I bullied him and this thing I done to him was the worst. His grandmother was our bus driver she was no longer our bus driver anymore. I was saying stuff about her like I am so happy that she’s gone she’s mean . She only uses her grandsons as an excuse to pick on us. His brother heard and he told his mom . My mother received a text from her explain that I call their grandmother stupid and mean. I regret this so much. What was wrong with me? Idk... I really regret this because week or months later I found out that their grandmother was in the hospital back then I felt a little guilty. Which now I know that I am heartless I was so mean, I am mean. Because of this my mother lost a friend which was their mother. After what I done I never seen them on my bus ever since. Kids started bullying me say that I am fat my thighs jiggle the kid who said the last part about me slaps my thighs. And the same kid called me chubby and made fun of my grandfathers death. Guess that makes me even with him right? No what I said about their grandmother was worse than someone making fun of your grandparent death.i deserve this. A year after they left me to rot I never looked in the mirror and said I was beautiful I saw nothing but a hideous beast in me. I started hating myself . I wanted to do self harm but to this day I never got the chance to hurt myself. This is already way to long and I might make part two and three. There might be a four. Well to be continued.