Sexually assaulted, multiple occasions.. is it me?
I’m mostly posting this to vent and get it off my chest. I have spoken to friends and my husband but it still puts me on edge and is affecting me. It also frustrates me because I’m starting to realise this has happened to almost every single woman I know in one way or another :(
A bit of background, I have always been considered “one of the boys” I share many similar interest with guys and girls have usually always pre-judged me or bullied me through high school and although those years a long behind me I still struggle to build lasting friendships with women. Since the last instance though I have cut ties with all male friends and starting focusing on building on my friendships with 3 woman I’d consider close friends.
But looking back I can’t help but wonder was it me? Have I done something or acted a certain way that made these men think it was okay touch me? Is it my fault?
The first time it happened was in high school, (over 12 years ago) one of my gamer friends invited me around to hang out and play video games. After realising how late it had gotten and him being my only ride home he said he was super tied and didn’t want to risk driving but if i was cool with it I could take his bed and he’d take the couch, again considering him a friend I didn’t think much of it and agreed to stay. After falling asleep hours later I’m woken up to him next to me with his hands down my pants playing with me. I’ve immediately jumped out of the bed and shouted at him, I was shouting and crying and demanded he drive me home, he did. I blocked his number and I never spoke to him again. - this was the only occasion I stuck up for myself, sadly the rest to follow I didn’t :(
Between this instance and the next I was involved in an abusive relationship for 3.5 years which made me switch to feeling numb when something was happening I didn’t want. I almost just learnt to accept it.. (I won’t go into details here)
The next instance occurred many years later, at this stage I was with my now husband who is absolutely amazing and a gentle soul. <3
Sadly I was too intoxicated to remember exactly what happened but I have flashbacks to one of my husbands friends touching me while I was passed out on the couch then the memory jumps to him trying to force his penis in my mouth, I remember crying and him telling me to sshhh as someone might hear us . (We we’re at a party, my husband was there as well but was out enjoying the party while I was inside) Again it’s so fuzzy I can’t recall all the details and although this “friend” is still in my husbands life id never be able to confront him as I feel he’d just deny it and I was far too intoxicated. It’s just been left unspoken.
The next was years later again, myself and my husband were at a party of one of our recently made friendship groups, we met them through mutual interests and hobbies so after hanging out with them continuously for nearly a year we were pretty excited to be invited to one of their exclusive and well known parties. We both got way too plastered but other than that we had a good night. It was the next morning that was the issue... I’m woken up abruptly by the owner of the house, and ‘leader’ of the group, who mind you has an amazing fiancé and life with her.. he tells me it’s time to wake up and picks me up with the blanket and removes me from the bedroom to their couch. I’m hangover af so barely react with him throwing me around, next thing I know his head to tails with me under the blanket using his toes to get in under my panties and try to touch me, with my husband only a room away!!! I was so shocked and previously had so much respect for this guy (and his very respected in the community) no one would have believed the drunk girl so I kept my mouth shut and played it off as he was still drunk and hadn’t slept yet so he probably didn’t even know what he was doing... I grabbed my husband and we left abruptly and I told him in the car what had happened. We cut ties with the group.
Months later we were out in town after a concert having a good time where the guy mentioned above shows up randomly with some mates. My gut dropped and I just tried to avoid him but with a massive smile and a big hello he came over and hugged me.. only to grab my arse and tell me how sexy I was looking. I’d never felt so sick as I’d realised he knew EXACTLY what he was doing that morning at his house. I pulled awkwardly away and went to find my husband and our friends and left. The worst part about this is I was not dressed provocatively, I was in warm boots, jeans, turtle neck, jacket and scarf (as mentioned we’d just come out from a concert and it was winter)
We still bump into this man time to time and he acts like nothing happened and his still so highly respected no one would have believed me if I’d said anything.
The last instance was just recently before Christmas, my husbands best friend, and someone I’ve been close friends with for 10 years came over a few days before Christmas for some drinks and a catch up with us as we’d just moved back into the area after some time away. My husband tapped out early so this “friend” and I stayed up having a few quiet drinks and went for a swim. This is nothing out of the ordinary for us, we’ve always been good friends and nothing has happened to make me think otherwise.
Well he got plastered and started going on about how broken his marriage was and how lucky my husband was to have me and how he wished his wife was more like me. Because i had only had a bottle of champagne although i felt tipsy I was still well aware of my surroundings (I no longer get drunk as I start to panic now when I start to feel drunk because of what’s happened in the past) being friends with this man for the better part of 10 years I tried to comfort him. During a hug he has grabbed my vagina and tried to kiss me, telling me he was hard for me) I was so mad but also went into shock and shut down (although I didn’t let him kiss me and removed his hand immediately) I told him he needed to leave (which he did) and I’ve been avoiding him since.
I told my husband but he didn’t really react the way I expected him too and still catches up with this guy. Which is hurtful. I feel like this is far too common and people just expect us to “deal with it...”
Am I doing something wrong that these men feel they have a right to touch me? Or is this the world we live in? :( x