Hi everyone. I’m 20 years old and my partner is 30.

I found out I was pregnant April 2017.

My pregnancy was really low risk and everything went smoothly without any complications. Unfortunately at 39 weeks pregnant we found out we lost our little girl 💔.

The last time I ever felt her move was when I was lying in bed. She was so active that night I couldn’t sleep. But she had always been an active baby so I never thought anything of it.

The next morning when I woke up something wasn’t right I could sense it, she would usually wake me up kicking. But nothing... I knew something was wrong so me and my partner went into hospital to be checked for reduced movement.

After numerous checks by the midwife trying to find the heartbeat she called in the doctor with the scan machine. I just knew. The midwife at my antenatal appointments always picked her heartbeat up straight away.

The doctor confirmed our worst fears. Our world fell apart with those words, ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.’

I kept asking myself why me, why my baby. It wasn’t fair. How could we be so close to having our baby for her to be just snatched away from us just like that. We were so close to being our own little family.

I think no matter what anyone says there’s always a part of you that will blame yourself. All of the ‘what ifs’ that go around in your head that you could of done to prevent it.

I then had to go through the physical pain of induced labour to give birth to our baby knowing at the end of it she wouldn’t be crying. We never got to see what colour her eyes were, because she didn’t open them 💔. It’s the little things you miss out on...

She was born, she was so beautiful. With lovely little hands and so much dark hair. It really wasn’t what I pictured my labour to be like. It was supposed to be a happy time but it was just filled with sadness.

Ava had been born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and body. Due to the way I described her last movements and the cord being wrapped around her. The midwives said to us that to them it looked like a cord accident was the reason for her death. The midwife explained that nothing could of been done to save her. She said, ‘It’s like skipping, when you get your feet stuck and fall, nobody has time to catch you.’

We spent 2 nights in hospital with Ava while she was in a cold cot. I’m so grateful we got to spend that little bit of time with her. But we knew we couldn’t keep her and we didn’t get to bring her home.

The harsh reality is that not everybody leaves hospital with a baby. I heard of people having stillbirths but it’s one of them things you think ‘it won’t happen to me’. But it did. I’m not the first person to have a stillbirth so my story is not unique or rare. But personally I think there should definitely be more awareness out there about stillbirth; as it’s very rarely talked about.

19.1.18 our baby was born sleeping. Nothing will ever be ‘normal’ again. Our hearts are broken. Our future plans with her, gone. Ava will never get the chance at life. So now I’m trying to be as positive and as happy as I can and I’m living my life for me but Ava too, who was took away far too soon.

I think about her everyday; there probably won’t be a day that I won’t. Life is so unfair. I love her so much and if I could of gave my life so she could of had one I would have. The hardest thing I ever had to hear was that my baby had died. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is live from that moment. But I can only try my best, some days are harder than others but we can’t give up and I will continue trying to be as strong as I can for my baby girl.

Nobody should ever have to bury their child I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy...

Me and my partner plan on trying for another baby. Not to replace Ava as nothing ever could. But to make us feel a bit more complete and to give Ava a little brother or sister I know she would of loved to of had! We just want to do parent things, we want sleepless nights and smelly nappies.

We are really hoping for a rainbow baby this year 🌧🌈