I finally have had enough.

I am done trying for a baby when it seems the universe has deemed me unfit to be a mother. I have tried it all and have failed miserably. I have had the blood tests hormone checks, 2 HSGs and enough peeing on sticks for a lifetime. Every month I have been hopeful yes this will be month only for a eventual let down 29 days later.

Not to mention the monthly question of “is this implantation bleeding” or feeling PMS symptoms that could possibly be early pregnancy symptoms...but they never are.

Oh yes Flo is always on time. Taunting me. Making me question if I was meant to barren and bitter my entire reproductive years.

We did the semen analysis, nothing wrong there, I have an ample amount eggs, I have used preseed, ovulation strips, temped, <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>, royal jelly, Vitex, ate enough yams to turn orange, massage, chiropractors....EVERYTHING! Well everything I can afford. <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> is too costly and I imagine would only be an epic fail.

And yet she is here today.

So after crying hysterically in my car on my lunch and returning to work with a swollen dave, red eyes and stares, after 8 years and 1 2nd trimester loss to PTL. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling like this.

I’m calling my doctor and demanding a tubal ligation or even a hysterectomy.

I had the difficult conversation with my SO and told him he could leave if having a family is important. I am not capable of making him a father. I want him to experience that. He deserves it and would be an awesome father. He says he will stay, we can have a family, we can foster. We can adopt.

And he may feel that way but how can take away the possibility of biological children from him?

I can’t and I won’t.

I need to make this final so I can move on to another chapter in my life. One where I have no biological children and I come to grips with it.

I will be 39 and it’s time for me accept the cards I have been dealt.