For women who stayed ... how long did it take for you to forgive, move on, love yourself , love your spouse again like before

My husband cheated on me in July 2016 - October 2016 On weekends he would meet the same women . I had no idea, I lived out of state to go to school (he’s military) I found out January 2018, he felt horrible and we went through that hell of roller coaster of my immediate anger. I tried to leave once but he begged and cried. I pushed him out Of anger and he cried and started hurting himself... I stayed and I’m still here but it’s not getting easier, the anger just comes and goes . Last night he told me “How can I hug you when I’m the one who hurt you, how do I tell you it’ll get better when you’re crying kuz of me” and I told him “I don’t know...”

I used to cry and ask him to hold me and hug me to make me feel like I’m the only women who matters to him when I mostly need him but it’s not like that anymore .. I told him “Maybe we need a break, and I go back home to family” and he says “if that’s what you think you need” but when it comes down to it, he’ll tell me to stay .. I find myself being depressed and I told him I’m not happy like before but I know people who find happiness again... but when my friends or i read stories like this I’d say leave and move on but it sounds so much easier than it really is. We share a child as well... I just Fell asleep, it was easier to knock out then keep trying to change the past... I love him I do but are we not meant to be together anymore ...