About 3 years ago, I met this guy. We will call him J. But he wasn't just any guy, I felt like he was THE ONE. J was sweet, loving, generous, religious, respectful...the list goes on and on. Perfect in every way. The only problem was, I was seeing someone, and J was his cousin. (By marriage, fathers side) I was on my way out of the relationship, but felt as if it was wrong to move on with someone in his family. (I was, and still am, friends with his sisters and mom) So I didn't pursue J at the time. He and I spoke daily. He lives in another state, but when we were within the vicinity of each other, always made it a point to visit and have dinner. We flirted endlessly, but J was the perfect gentleman and never took it beyond that.

This flirtatious banter went on for about a year, when J finally came to me and poured his heart out. Said he didn't care about the backlash he may get from his family, he wanted to make a life with me. I agreed that my heart was his, and so we became official. We didn't feel the need to announce it to people, but if anyone straight out asked, we never denied it. Though we still lived apart, life was amazing. J visited me as often as he could, and priposed pretty early on. (OF COURSE I SAID YES!) We actively were trying for a family. We talked about our dreams, and even opened a bank account to begin saving for a home together. Within 3 months, I missed a period, and just like that, we were expecting! Everything I had wanted was finally happening!! My first appointment was during a time in which he was unable to make the trip down. We were 6 weeks along, everything looked perfect! We were over the moon!

J began pushing me to move in with him. Mind you, this is 13 hrs away from the only home I have known. Where my family is, my job, and my life. Yes, I wanted us to be together, but the agreement was for it to be where I lived. (He is from the same area, majority of his family also lives here, and part of his business is based here as well.) How could I uproot everything in such an important time of my life? My parents would miss out on their first grandchild, I'd leave a job of 6 years. On the other hand, I didn't want to be without him through my pregnancy. I told him I would go visit, and we would decide together, in person.

He purchased plane tickets that night, and was on my way to him 2 days later. He dropped to his knees the moment he saw me, lay his head on my stomach and just held me. In that moment, I decided that by his side was where I belonged. I told him then and there. We had dinner and he pampered me. (Nails, hair, massage and some new clothes.) We made love and fell asleep. Nothing that happened that day could hint at what was to come.

I was set to stay for 2 weeks. I had the luxury of having PTO, so didn't have to worry about work. He on the other hand is self-employed. So there are no days off. He kissed me that morning, and was gone the entire day. I am talking 15 hours. Without a call, text, nothing. He returned home that night, and told me he expected me to be naked in bed when he was done showering. As upset as I was about his ignoring me all day, I complied. He came to bed, turned me over and fucked me. That's literally the only word I can use to describe it. There was no love, no passion. He used my body for what he needed, and that was it. I was surprised, but thought maybe he had had a rough day, so tried to understand. I attempted to speak to him regarding his lack of communication all day, but got shot down pretty quickly. I let it go. (Figured my pregnancy hormones and being a bit homesick were just messing with my head)

2 weeks passed, and this happened EVERY SINGLE DAY. Ignored, fucked, ignored some more. Don't get me wrong, he was sweet enough, never hit me or said a curse word, but just wasn't connected. It was so unlike him. Or in like the him I had known in the past year and a half or so. I left home, so confused and unsure of what to do.

About a week after being home, I finally had the courage to speak up and ask why he treated me the way he did. J basically explained that I was his, to do as he saw fit. I was to stay home, cook clean and be his sex slave. He felt that's what a women's place was, and felt that he was entitled to put me in my place. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON?

I told him that there was no way I was going to be that for him. I am my own person. I am young, full of life. I have an education and career which I worked very hard for. I explained that I was more than happy to cook and clean, and be kinky in the bedroom, but I was not dog to be used, or someone's slave. Nor would I ever allow him to treat me as such. I told him that I had decided to remain living at home, and we could continue to see each other and reconsider our living situation in the future. He didn't speak to me for 2 days, but finally agreed.

Suspicions slowly began to creep in. J had been hurt in the past, and felt that I was going to do to him what his ex's had. He became hurtful, and hateful. Often putting me down, using my past against me, and making me feel worthless. I was stressed, lonely and depressed. A week of this hell passed, and at 11 weeks, I suffered a miscarriage. He refused to believe me, and even denied I was pregnant. He made me email my medical records to show proof of my hospital stay and D&C.; Even after proof, he was doubtful. Told me I was barren, a waste of a women. I broke everything off right then with him. I was at my lowest point in life, and the person I loved the most just may have been the cause of it. I blocked him on every way possible and tried to just move on. He called, text and emailed for weeks, but they went unanswered. I couldn't believe how strong I was. But kept thinking about my baby, and knew that I had to do it for him/her. I work3d, went back to school and tried to find some sense of normalcy.

Fast forward a year and some change. It has been months since the last contact attempt. Suddenly his number is there. It's still blocked, but I can see that he has tried to call. FUCK FUCK FUCK! What do I do? I feel like I am at a place where I have forgiven him, and myself. So I call him back.

He says he is sorry, that he fucked up, that he has regretted everything since the day it all happened. He says that he was saved, and started going to a new church. He goes to service every single day. He is a changed man. I feel the pain in his voice, so I let the conversation continue. We talk for over an hour. He wants us to try again. Despite everything he has put me through, I actually get excited at the thought. I still carry him in my heart.

It starts getting in to personal stuff, and he asks if I am seeing anyone. I explain that I'm not, and haven't since the disaster that was him. I ask J if he is seeing anyone and he says that he's not currently, but was in the past. He then gets really quiet.

So at this point I'm like, Ok. This guy talks ALOT, what happened here?

I ask if it was serious, and he says no. But then starts to cry.

After alot of back and forth, he finally comes clean, THEY HAVE A BABY together. MY HEART IS JUMPING OUT OF MY CHEST, JAW IS ON THE FLOOR. I ask how far along she is. He explains that the baby is already 5 months old.

HOLD UP, 5 FUCKING MONTHS? PLUS THE 9 MONTHS SHE WAS BAKING? 14 months ago, that's how long ago this baby was conceived. WE WERE STILL FUCKING TOGETHER!!!!

AT THIS POINT I START UGLY CRYING. Not from pain, but anger. I hang up the phone. I can't even compose myself.

WHY, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT? WHY CALL ME NOW AND TELL ME ALL OF THIS? I AM NOW RIGHT BACK TO WHERE I WAS EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY AS WHEN I WAS ON THE FLOOR OF THAT HOSPITAL BATHROOM, PASSING OUR BABY IN TO A TOILET.

He has called me 57 times since then. I can't do this. I can't believe I let him back in. In a matter of an hour, he picked me up from a black hole, showed me the light and then shattered me to the core.

He gave her a baby, the baby that was supposed to be mine. While mine is an angel, she has hers here. I'm not bitter or hateful on most occasions, but why her God? Why not me? And why bless someone like him?

I'm sorry for such a long read. And for it being all over the place. There are alot of in between that would just take too long to write. But this is the jist of it. I had to get it out of my head and off my heart.

Writing it out makes it real. I'm not crazy, I didn't imagine this hurt. I didn't deserve it. But I am going to grow from it. And learn. I WILL NEVER HURT SOMEONE AGAIN.

If and when I do have a baby of my own, it will be with someone who loves and cherishes all of me. And I will cherish that little life more than anything in the world

falling apart

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