I’ve always considered myself a very sexual person. I used to have sex multiple times a day, or masturbate once a day. I used to get a dirty thought and instantly get a tingling sensation. But now... I almost feel nothing. My fiancé and I have amazing sex. He’s the only person to ever make me reach orgasm without his hands. But here lately, we can go over a month without. Well honestly he could go every day, I don’t even think about it anymore. I rarely even masturbate. If I do, it’s because I feel like I need to, not because I want to (if that makes any sense) and even then, I’m rarely into it.

I often think it’s because of my past. I was raped and abused for most of my teenage years and early 20’s. When I finally broke away from the bad men I surrounded myself with, I found out I was pregnant. Two months later, I lost the baby. That was 4 years ago.... and it feels like yesterday.

I say all this because I’m not sure if it’s all the hurt and baggage that’s holding me back, or if there’s something wrong and possibly something I can fix? It could be a mix of both.

I still flinch from time to time when he touches me. I cry when he says I’m beautiful and he loves me, not because I know it’s true and it makes me happy, but I feel like subconsciously I think about all the lies men would tell me as they were hurting me. I fear that I’ll have another miscarriage all the time. It especially doesn’t help when we had a scare like last month. I was almost two weeks late, took a test, it was positive. Took a test two days later, it was negative and the following day I started bleeding. I’m also overweight. I work from 5am to 6pm, in a pretty stressful job, then come home to cook and clean and start all over the next day. So could it just be a lack of time?

I’m just so lost and honestly, a little heartbroken. I know I’m not fulfilling his needs, even if he rarely complains, I feel terrible. And then I make him feel bad just for wanting to touch me, his fiancée, the woman that would pounce on him the moment he would walk into the door, because I no longer have the desire like I used to. And no, I don’t find it towards other men either. It’s just gone.....