Stress. It geeks me out so much. In One second everything can be fine and then the next I am over analyzing and inspecting everything in sight.

Some people have suicidal thoughts

some people don’t think it all

my problem is I overthink. And for people like me that constantly over think it’s really hard to let people in truly. My father abandoned me and my mother you wish were closer to. I’m not looking for pity I’m looking for trust. I crave trust more than anybody else could imagine. Because I have self love I’m already considered substantially and mentally healthy. But when your gut tells you so many things and you look at that person and you tell him you were going against your gut instincts and he tells you to jump and you give him that one thing you were looking for TRUST. Then you get ignored and you start to question all of things around you and you look up and see it’s 230 in the morning and all you can feel is anger at yourself for jumping in sickness in your stomach because you only want happiness it fucking sucks. Knowing somethings going to happen before it happens. Nice girls finish last too. All the mind games knowing that you’re going to go slow but he shows up with roses and holds your hand when you’re down. All these things are so misleading but even still you grudge on hoping that one day he will give his trust in return.Because all you would do to him is hold his hand and help him whenever he needed it no the matter the cost, no questions asked. you think to yourself I don’t think they understand the value they have in front of them. Standing there before them so broken shaking in pain . Only having anger for yourself just wanting to be heard. Do you know what it’s like knowing she would give you everything just to have a quarter piece of their attention in return . It’s completely degrading you feel absolutely worthless wondering is this what it’s like to be human. So emotional tapping into these feelings you didn’t even have with long-term relationships. Knowing that you really like this person. Knowing you would ball on your knees just for them to keep you. Maybe it’s because he reminds you of your father maybe there’s a deep-seated issue there but you don’t even understand you just know that you don’t want to lose them. They’re the worst drug out there . you willing to sell your TV your car your mom‘s engagement ring just make them happy. Wanting to scream I love you at the top of your lungs but too afraid to say you care about them because they might leave because you’re going to fast. One day they tell you to spend time with their family and they wait an hour to meet your mom and shake your stepdad‘s hand and you just look up at that handshake so much gratitude thinking wow this is what it could be like there are good guys out there. And then you come back to reality holding your stomach afraid of tomorrow. The only thing you can use to describe your emotions is intensity. You share all your hopes and dreams in their dreams match your future. You don’t want to give up but the battle is so fucking hard you just wanna curl up in their arms like you did on that night you had your nightmares in front of them. Feeling so vulnerable so weak so fucking scared but still you grudge on because in three hours you have a day of fun with their mother. This is true fear when a hardened person becomes gooey in someone else’s hand