A.k.a having your heart ripped out along with your insides.

TMI⚠️

After peeing on a stick 4 times just to see those two pink lines. because your so excited and want to make double extra sure. Or four times sure. And then putting them in a plastic bag under the sink to look at from time to time . I would catch my self, I have to admit. It would make me smile, and then I would look in the mirror and say in my head, “ so this is what it feels like” and tried to not forget this smile on my beautiful face. The way my cheeks and lips looked.

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But now , after peeing in the toilet a million times and flushing away the pain and blood clots. So much blood. I don’t see the smile staring back at me. All i feel is the twisting cramps in my stomach as my uterus tries to heal it self. Without my help. I’ve been eating like shit. Candy and coffee and cookies are all I’ve eaten since I got hit with this wreaking ball of hell storm. All I feel is numb. Numb from the pain in my legs. Throbbing in my back and my heart feels like I flushed it down the toilet too. It’s as if my body was in a car crash and I lost someone i love all in one hour. It’s as if my body is crying along with my heart.

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I don’t look at my tub the same way anymore. For it knows all my pain.

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As I filled it with the hottest water my faucet could produce. I slowly lowered my shaking body in the warm water contorting my self into a ball.That’s where I suffered the most pain in my entire life. That’s where I lost my baby. The water turned orange and made me sick in the head.

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If the physical pain was any longer I would have had my boyfriend bring me to the hospital. But I survived. I’m surviving.I cried. I bled. On repeat for days in a row.

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I pray this never happens to anyone. Even though it happens to 1 in 4 women. I pray this never happens to me again. I don’t know when I want to start to have sex again. I don’t know when I will want to try again. I don’t know when my cramps will go away or my tears will stop filling the bathtub or the pillow or wherever I’m laying. I don’t know if I’ll ever talk to my friends. Or my family about this pain.

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I’m an open person but not to everyone. I’m a mystery but also wear my heart on my sleeve.

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So it feels better to stay at home.in my sweat pants.with my boyfriend. all hunkered down.the cabinets stocked and the fridge filled with food. as if a blizzard is coming, just because we don’t wanna see anyone or answer to no one.

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Phones off.

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we snuggled on the couch, hoping the salty snacks and cinnamon buns will heal us. As We Netflix binge on every comedian standup show out there…..because I just don’t wanna cry anymore.

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*i wrote this after my miscarriage In October. Found out i was pregnant on my birthday. I wanted to find healing in writing. Things I’ve learned : I’ve realized miscarriages are not what people say they are on t.v. That taking time off from work is needed. That your pain is real. That ur husband or man has feelings too even if they aren’t as “intense” as you. And you didn’t do anything to Miss -carry your baby. It’s just all to common . Currently ttc our rainbow 🌈 baby. Lots of love to my hurting friends.

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