Today was not that day.

When working hands on with the public you meet clients and you build bonds with them for the short time they are in your care. For the time that they are in your chair they are friends and they are family.

You obviously don't share everything with them, but you share parts of your life with them as they share bits of their lives with you.

Today I learned my clients daughter is getting married next year. She has two beautiful kids and a niece. Her favorite haircut on her daughter was from when her daughter was in kindergarten. She went to vet school and then ended up going to Mrs school.

She was fun and I loved spending my day with her and her daughter.

We were laughing and she goes, "do you have kids?"

I remember the last time I was asked that.

I was pregnant.

With my first pregnancy.

I did not cry.

I could not say yes and that hurt.

It hurt because I missed last Monday because I was bleeding so bad.

It hurt because I was still wearing a pad because I'm still ridding of the remains.

It hurt because I saw the way she loved her children and I wanted to be just like her.

I smiled and said no

"Maybe one day"

And she smiled and continued talking about her kids and I was so grateful to be in the same room as her kids, because they are grown. One of them older than I am by a couple of years.

Hoping my one day comes soon,

Because I would be a good mom.

I would be a good mom because I get glimpses of good mom's every time I turn around and I wish to be like them.

I strive to be like them.

I strive to appreciate my kids like them and to love my kids like them and to smile every time I look at my child like them.

I cried on my way home.

When they could not see.

Not because they did anything wrong.

If I hadn't miscarried I would proudly tell them I am now 12 weeks pregnant with my first child.

But because I see how much that mom enjoys her children and I know how much I would have enjoyed my own.

I was so jealous of her.

But I am so grateful to see a mom out there who loves her children and does not take them for granted.

I would have been a mom just like her

And maybe one day I will be

But for now, my chest still feels heavy.