I don't trust myself so i don't trust him

봄하루 • Human wreckage

I want all the hate that this will cause. I will welcome every single piece of hate to knock some sense into myself. I lost my virginity to someone who only wanted to be FwB so i didn't tell him he would be my first out of embarrassment that he would not want to anymore. It happened, it's done, i was clearly quite the virgin. We get into a fight literally because i called another guy handsome and he's telling me, "Why would you tell me that. No, I'm not jealous. No, i don't care. (but why are you upset?) Because there's something between us.. but i don't care and i'm not jealous." and he stops talking to me. Just straight up, for months, i would see him and he would walk pass me. My second partner was FwB because i wanted that control, i wanted that say in what was going to happen, "what we were," everything. My boy now, we're five months in, my first relationship. //Now, from 12-18, i self harmed and acted out when i was upset. My mom physically abused me while yelling that i don't deserve what i ask for. So already, i'm mentally fucked by my mom, the guy i lost my virginity to added onto the list of why i'm not good enough. All this causes problems with my guy cause i don't know how to express myself that isn't angry, insecure, or just in a way that makes me apologize profusely for saying what bothers me, if he did something silly i don't like, that i'm afraid of getting in trouble with him for. Two weeks ago, he told me he doesn't see a future with me. I think it'd hurt less if he didn't phrase it "I don't see us getting married and having kids." But because we care about each other, as hard as i'm trying to justify staying, i stayed cause he gave me that option to shot myself in the foot. Back to the self harming, 21 now, i was never given a tactic to handle myself. I only stopped because my mom yelled at me and basically scared it out of me. I never had that back up coping skill so when i get upset, anger rises and i want to retaliate. Because i'm still with him, not as friends, we're still dating (facepalm), i won't betray him. I don't want to put him in a situation because i acted on what i shouldn't have.. These days, I've been thinking about sleeping with the guy i lost my virginity to. My thought process is as such, "I'm more experienced now.. he'll like me better now.. he would.. he would.." and then i try to knock some sense into myself cause i know i wouldn't look for him. It's that self sabotage thinking that has me thinking i can't trust him, my guy. Then I'm lost again, "Why did he say i could stay.. why did he say i could stay.." And then i want to yell at him the way my mom yells at me, i want to emotionally abuse him the same that guy did me. I don't want to be cold i don't want to be cold. I don't know how to recover myself. I don't want to fight because i'm bored. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of myself sometimes. But none of it feels valid, nothing i feel tells me it's solid to feel this way. My past is starting to swallow me whole in my future and I'm only bringing my guy down.. for however much longer he'll want to stay