So I just recently broke up w/ my boyfriend of 2 & and a half years and it tore me to shreds and because I was so depressed I made the dumbest decision to go to my (guy) friends house to hang out hoping he wouldn’t pull anything but I had a feeling he may cause his parents weren’t home but I just needed someone so I came over and ended up fucking him

I came back home and regretted it because I knew it’d fuck up the friendship we had and he grew even more feelings for me after but I’ve told him specifically I didn’t want to be more than friends for many different reasons and I woke up yesterday and after being clean for a year I relapsed and self-harmed More then I have before and today we are going to Portland to go to the mall and I’m so scared my mom or anyone else will find out

They are across my hips, on my ankle, and two are around the middle of my forearm and my friend (he’s 19 and I’m 17) thinks he raped me because he thinks my depression is what said yes but I told him even if it were my depression I still gave 100% consent and that rape was THE last thing I wanted him to think but he said he doesn’t think he can forget about this and that’s all I wanna do.... my mom knows about me and my boyfriend breaking up and she knows it’s making a huge impact on my mental health because I love him so much but our relationship was too toxic for me to stay in it for much longer and it scared me.... I asked her to put me into counseling but idk when that will be but idk what to do cause I can pick myself up from this awful haze that I’m in😪