I really need someone to listen

I’m a 14 year old girl. I’m dealing with some stuff but who isn’t. I’m not one to open up to anyone and usually shut people out I lost my best friend/cousin 3 years ago in October. I really miss her. She was 17 when she died. She was in a car crash on her way to the animal shelter where she volunteered. I saw a picture of her as a baby the other day and I showed my mom with a big smile on my face, trying to not fall apart. She shrugged and looked away quickly. She never wants to talk about her. I’m stuck holding it all in and it hurts so bad. I haven’t been to her grave since her funeral. I want to go but I want to go by myself. I feel like i will feel better if I go. I feel like I should go to the school counselor to talk but I’ll end up a mess. Tell me what you think I should do