I have had a lot of problems in my past... and they are effecting my relationships today...

from the day I turned nine till I was 13 I was raped by my older cousin. this really screwed me up. now my first boyfriend is feeling the pain and trauma I feel from then... I make things difficult for him... because no matter what he does... my happiness doesn't last. I can see it hurting him and tearing him down... but he tells me that leaving him...( I thought leaving him would help him) would only make him worse. he is suicidal... I am suicidal... his past was basically shit too... I just don't want to hurt him... any help you guys?