I'm really not sure how to say what I want to say and how this will help but here goes

I'm struggling with everything at the moment. I feel so alone all the time and don't get any help from anyone. When I was pregnant I would do my daily readying on <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.baby">baby apps</a> and articles (I'm sensible with online readying) and even mildwifes/heath visitors would always say if you need help you can always get family or friends to help. Well that statement alone makes me feel like absolute shit and I could bust into tears. I have 2 friends one is younger than me so don't want to put anything on her as she's busy with her life (Work/college/no kids) and the other is pregnant with her second baby so don't want to put more stress on her. My family isn't an option as they are all wrap up in everything they are doing and I would say they have only seen my baby no more than 30 times maybe even less... He's 8months! Even when he was a few weeks old and had colic I was so scared that I was going to dislike him because of how he was making me feel and how I felt about him. Not one member of family offer to help and I made it obvious that I wasn't coping well, I don't like to ask for help (I know probably should if I want help but I don't feel like I can) I know that all I'll get from them is, why isn't your other half helping and oh how do you think I managed with 8 of you! Ect. I don't remember the last time one of them came over to see us and when they do or I go to them my baby doesn't know who they are. 🙁🙁

Also every day when I scroll though facebook or see people I know in the street, I see all these amazing pictures of everyone's babys and how cute they look, how well the mum looks after having their baby's. There's loads of things I wish I had done for my baby just never had the time or money like that 1week-1year millstone cards. Or even just taking more photos of him. I don't know how anyone has any time, I'll be lucky if I can have a shower once a week. I'm sorry if that sound disgusting but it's true, no washing / putting away / any housework gets done unless I do it, same for anything the baby needs doing I do it.

Sometimes I feel like I've had a baby with the wrong person and that breaks my heart and makes me feel like a bad person, as I love him with ever inch of my body/heart and soul! I even feel that it would be easier for me to be single as I wouldn't have to clean up after him and would feel better about asking for help as I wouldn't get it in the eat about why he isn't helping Ect. (Now that's not me saying its easier for single parent's I just feel like for me it would be.) When the other half does help it's great, we get some much done but he doesn't see it. I literally hide behind a smile every day and dum it down when we go out. Also after saying all of this I feel so guilty and feel like I'm being so selfish as I know there's people out there than can't have kids or would give anything to have a family. So I feel like I'm taking my baby for granted.

A family member 19month old died a few weeks ago and it's tears me apart! And I can't stop thinking about what if it happens to me and my baby that's why I feel guilt if one day he's stressing me out.

The thought of going to the doctors weirds me out as I don't want to get upset in front of them and they think I'm being silly or something.

Im sorry if this makes no sense or anyone feels like I'm being selfish I just don't know what to do and feel so alone. I need a friend that I can talk to and not judge me or gossip about me to other people, or think that I'm a push over for putting up with how I get treated. I'm a very private person and all the people I know knows my family so feel like I can't speak to anyone. I almost didn't want to send this as I feel selfish about wasting everyone's day. I'm not sure what to do anymore.