Why do we have to put so much pressure on ourselves?

I had my second baby just 5 weeks ago.

In the past I’ve had issues with my self esteem and weight. When I got pregnant with my first baby (she’s 18mths now), I was at my heaviest of 86kg and after having her I was so busy with work and raising her and i got down to 72kg. With my 2nd baby I only got up to 80kg when I was full term. I don’t know what I weigh now.

He’s 5 weeks old now, and we had a perfect, calm, natural delivery and he’s a great baby.

My fiancé and I are getting married in 11 months and are very happy. But since the minute our son was born I got this fear of getting really fat. Some days I just sit crying for ages because I’m so afraid. I’m afraid I’ll look so disgusting that people will judge me or think I’m a bad mum or my fiancé will think I’m gross too. I guess deep down I’m afraid ill look awful in a wedding dress too.

I just want to avoid food all together. I keep trying to convince myself if I got my hair done or buy new clothes then imight feel better but I know deep down it won’t help.

I don’t know what to do, i know it’s unhealthy to think this way. And I can’t talk to anyone about it. I tried to explain it to my fiancé but he just doesn’t understand how bad this is.

I don’t have many friends and I just want/need a shoulder to learn on. I’m at war with myself here and it’s breaking my heart.

I just want to feel good in my own skin again.