~extremely long post sorry~

I keep having night terrors about the day my dad died a year ago. There's not a day where the events of that day don't run through my mind. My dad was 46 years old and the kindest, funniest, most loving and giving man i have ever known, he spent most of his life as a drug and mental heath counselor working with people from the rich and famous to our friends without a home. We started a charity called spread the joy together for the homeless that i now run alone and have changed the name to Chris's angel's in honor of my dad. Even with his childhood of growing up homeless with an abusive family he always came around the darkest moments of his life with a sarcasm (lots of sarcasm) and love. My mom and my dad lived a fairy tale of a marriage (they didn't have much but they didn't need it because they had each other) and he was an incredible father, the kind you read about in stories. I got a call from the hospital on a Tuesday morning that i had happened to have off from work. They called to ask me what my dads name and birthday was because he was at the hospital and didn't have his wallet and that they couldn't tell me more until i got there. i knew... the 30 minute drive to the hospital (which would normally take 1 hour) calling my mom, my sister and my fiance to tell them they needed to leave work and get to the hospital right away was one of the worst moments of my life. When I arrived i saw the doctors face as he asked me if my mom had arrived and i knew. My dad at 46 years old with no prior heart problems had a heart attack on his way into work... Being the strong, powerful, Italian man that he was he crushed up aspirin on the dashboard of his car as he drove the last 5 minutes to work while having a life ending heart attack. He walked into his office and fell to the floor where he died for the first time. Working in a place filled with social workers and therapists one of the people there began CPR as another called 911. My dad fought. He came back and passed away in the ambulance and came back again to take his final breathe after he arrived at the hospital only 5 minutes before I got there. My mom came in and the saw me, i didn't know for sure and i didn't want to say it until i did... the hospital staff coldly told my mom that he had died and asked what we wanted to do with the body and his belongings. My mom fell to the floor, her other half after 28 years of fairy tale was gone... I had been the last one to see my dad that morning and he was himself, possibly even a happier version. My sister came in followed by my Fiance and we all sat on the floor in the waiting room and sobbed when they told us they needed the area to talk to another family and that they would take us back to see him in a few minutes.. I got everyone into the waiting room for what was about 15 minutes and a year all at the same time and i began to call all of my family as if i was just a shell of myself. Most people thought that i was joking or lying because none of it made sense... As we went back i could see the shell of the man who was the joy in my day, the one who guided me through life, my first love, and one of my best friends laying there as if he were asleep. He stood about 6'3 270 lbs ish and i could see the tattoo on his chest that had our names and that covered a once hideous broken heart tattoo that a younger lost version of my dad had gotten. He looked so small, and to say that is strange because i stand at 5'2. My family and friends from all over from Italy, England to California to New York flew in during the following days along with 200 people that my dad had helped or touched their lives in some way... The Church Where all my big moments happened was now filled with all the people we loved except the one we really wanted.. He would have been so moved by it because when we looked back at the guest book there were 413 people that crammed inside to mourn the incredible man they knew. I don't remember any of it.. it was all a blur.. We had a giant party that night for him and celebrated and cried and laughed all night.

I'm sorry for writing so much but i felt it was important to give the details of the day. I haven't really spoken about this day with anyone out loud but over these past few months I've been writing about it in a blog. I don't know how to stop the nightmares. I've been taking care of my mom with the help of my wonderful fiancé. And she is really struggling right now and I think that might be bringing back these night terrors. I'm really worried about her. She needs to find another job and with her only having one income now she is desperate. I'm just worried and I'm not sure how to help her or help myself. Some prayers would be appreciated.