My 6 week postpartum visit is on Wednesday, and I am 95% sure my doctor is going to put me on some sort of medication and probably send me to therapy. My daughters pediatrician said my Edinburgh test "came back positive ". I am super scared to go back on meds. The 2 times in the past I started antidepressants I totally flipped out. I lost all ability to function normally and my self harming got really bad. I haven't been on any medications at all or self harmed in almost 4 years. But now all of my mental illnesses (depression, GAD, eating disorder) are acting up really bad. And I'm having a lot of depersonalization/ derelization episodes, which is sort of new. I'm not really functioning very well. It has been SO hard to even get up and do things. Which isn't great considering I have 2 kids and a home to take care of. I'm just really scared that meds will make me freak out again and my children's lives will suffer because of it. They dont deserve this. I feel like such a shitty mom sometimes for putting them through this.

Anywho. I'm also super nervous to go to therapy. Here's the thing. I've never actually been in therapy, even though I probably should because of some really horrible crap I have been through. I dont want to go and be slapped with a bunch of diagnoses, or told how crazy I am. And I DEFINITELY dont want to go and have to relive my traumas. This just sucks so bad.

I KNOW I need help. I know my kids need their mom to be present, and stable so they can have a happy life. So I am going to try and do whatever I have to to get better. It's just so terrifying.