I'd like to start off by saying thank you for reading... of anyone does.... thank you for being my only outlet as I feel ashamed for feeling this way .....

I guess things really went south with the passing of my son.... I found out I was pregnant Sept 2016 finally what i... what we all wish for finally happened... hubby and I were over the moon to say the least.... we told our parents a soon as we confirm with docs.... they were all beyond excite. a couple days later I started spotting and I was terrified. I was mad and sad. my little nugget was at risk... or so I thought. a few runs to the er later I was told he was fine it was just a hemorrhage bleeding that it should stop and we should be ok... I finally sighed with relief I had fought PCOS and a tilted uterus and I had won! my little family was perfect 😍 I did not care about how harsh pregnancy was on me I loved it because it ment he was real it ment my dream had come true... everything seems fine at 19 weeks I find out it's a he!!!! I was beyond happy... we agent home for the holidays told our family members of our handsome baby boy and life was perfect..... at my 21 check up things got real... and scary.... the doctors determined my son had a lot of deformities ...... his spine was in a U shape, his stomach was forming outside of him, and his left side was deformed..... they told me he would not survive and that I had two options.. carry him full term and let him pass or we could induce labor.. I felt numb I wanted nothing more than to wake up and this all be a nightmare a horrible unreal nightmare... but it wasn't this was now my reality my husband made the choice as I refuse for those two options to be my only options... we were induced a few days later and my son was born Jan 2017... he was the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen .... I cried and cursed God for doing this to him.... i would have given my life for my son in a second... but i didnt have that option... i had all night with him.... he had only li ed for 5 min but he was mine for those 5 min... the next morning the funeral home took him and cremated him we were from out of state and i wanted my son to go with us... i didnt wanna leave him alone miles and miles away from mom and dad.. we gave us time to grief and try again... it's been a year and i have given up i am tired of the pain.... I am tired of being terrified of that happening again... I used to love talking to my husband about our future children but I ve forced my self to believe it's never going to happen that if I try to think of children a little voice says yea right as if that's ever going to happen and I get so very sad...its gotten to the point where I can clearly see me hurting my self.... I feel guilty thinking like that I could never hurt my parents like that I would never do that to my husband.... but I feel like I'm battling my self.... I don't know where my life is going at this rate I feel sad but I also know I have a lot good in my life I just need to vent and I don't want to hurt my spouse or family....I'm sorry for the long post and thank u anyone... for reading and hearing