After almost 7 years together, we had been officially TTC for just 4 months before we got our BFP.

We were both so invested in this pregnancy, and the love that I already had for little bubba was overwhelming; we were so excited for this life that we had created.

This was our first baby, and we couldn’t wait to share the news with our family.

We got into some serious nesting mode and started drawing drafts for the nursery, bookmarked furniture and borrowed a crib from the in laws. We bought a pram, and a nappy bag.

We discussed names, did meal prep, made plans.

And then at our 6 week milestone I discovered red bleeding. Not super heavy amount but it was red nonetheless, and enough that it was a flow. No cramping, no pain.

Spent 4 hours in the ER, ultrasound measured that I was about 5 weeks, could see the sac and the beginnings of a baby developing but was too early to see a heartbeat or to know what was going to happen.

Hcg measured at 5491, and I was given a referral to come back in 2 days for another blood draw.

Throughout the day the bleeding slowed to spotting, mainly only there when I wiped and a small amount on the liner.

By the time I was due for my next blood draw, I almost skipped going to it because we were both so confident that everything was okay.

Didnt think about it again until 2 days later when we saw the doctor for a follow up.

She mentioned the number 4400 and my world went quiet.

Literally all I could hear was my blood pounding in my ear, as I struggled to comprehend, to process what this meant.

She ordered another blood test immediately and put a rush on the results.

That was yesterday.

Today at 6w5d- I got the call that my levels had dropped further to 2300. I tried to stay strong because I had been conditioning myself to expect this after yesterday’s bomb shell.

That strength lasted all of a minute before I completely had a melt down.

I left work early- just in time for the cramping to start and I passed a HUGE clump of clots in my underwear.

The cry of anguish that came out of me at the moment I saw it... I think will haunt me for the rest of my life 💔

Never have I felt so heartbroken, and consumed with grief.

I’m a mixture of emotions. If my baby is dead, then I want it out of me. I’m angry, I’m devastated. I’m analysing everything I’ve done, that I’ve drank or eaten that could’ve contributed to this.

I’m trying to stay positive knowing that we will try again, and that eventually our family will be complete. But I’m also filled with anxiety, and terror- how will I be able to be excited by the next positive pregnancy test? How will I get by each day, waiting until I can see that heartbeat? And even then, knowing that it’s many days before we hit the “safe mark” of 12 weeks.

How will I be able to bond and be excited about our next pregnancy, knowing that we did everything right THIS time around and it’s literally been ripped from us!

I never believed that I would be a statistic. That I would be that one woman out of 4 that would miscarry.

I have new appreciation for those that are TTC their rainbow baby; that holds deeper meaning for us now...

To my bubba that didn’t make 7 weeks- I cannot begin to express how invested we already were, and how deep my love and devotion was.

I have to cling to the belief that it wasn’t your time yet, and you will come back to me as my rainbow 🌈