I just need somewhere to put down this whirlwind of PPD. No one can help me with how I’m feeling. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy, I’m just wanting to decompress and let it all go for a moment.

I feel worthless. I feel powerless. I feel like a failure and I feel weak. I feel unworthy. And I feel like I’m a terrible mother. My 2 yo was just diagnosed with speech issues and we’re waiting to have her assessed for other developmental delays ( my fault, I’m in charge of her development. She doesn’t even say “momma”. *sob). I yell at her all day or put on the TV so I can nurse my 3wo.

Nursing is a nightmare compared to big sister. So I’m a failure there. I keep crying and just wanting to give up. But I’ll feel even more worthless if I go to formula. I don’t want to exclusively pump because I remember loving the nursing bond.

I feel no connection to my new daughter. I keep feeling like I don’t want her, I want my old life back. Then I feel like the worst human ever. We struggled with infertility for years and I’ve been blessed with a second child that I haven’t figured out how to love.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I cry all day. I’m going to see my midwife tomorrow about anti-depressants, and that makes me feel even worse, like I’m too weak to handle it.

Here’s hoping I can learn to live with myself and love myself again.