At Least I wasn’t Blind Then

This is a poem I wrote after my partner broke up with me.

So I was the loner

The punk emo kid who likes classical music

Of course she never noticed how painful it was for me

Never brought up how lonely it’s been, and how that never really changed

I love her

I want her like mad- to keep cuddling her and watching trash on YouTube and she is smiling and I am not lonely anymore

She made me forget about the bullies

And the meds

And the voices

And the doctors and tests and diagnoses

AUTISTIC

QUEER

ANXIOUS

DEPRESSED

Calls by a different name

Fuccin pervert

Lesbian cunt

Soopid retard

I am these things

I consume and excecrete

I forsake the people who made me into a strong person

She left me because I love her

I hated her because she left me

I’ve gone back to a time when I walked in an empty crowd of shells

Before she pulled me into the heat

Into a world where I deserved my place- a false world that is unrealistic and stupid

At least I am smarter when there is no one

Nothing to keep me company but the music

She was perfect

But I should have known

Retards don’t get happily ever afters