I messed up

Guys...

My birthday is in two days and all I’ve been doing today was crying. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year (we were together 4 years ago), and we live together. Now for this whole year there has been incidents were we have gotten drunk and I had blacked out on him. What is wrong with me? The next day I wake up clueless and he’s always angry at me. Now it’s obvious I can’t drink anymore, but what can I do to heal my relationship? And myself too? I have multiple scars of me trying to kill myself when these events happen....

I feel that I’m a fuck up... I don’t want to lose him....