Bjs are degrading!! 🍆🤤 TMI

PLEASE READ ALL BEFORE COMING FOR ME IN THE COMMENTS!!! I have this guy, that I’ve been talking to for a while now. We are very different from one another, but he has a great sense of humor. At times he can be compassionate. Then, there are times when we bump heads, but what couple doesn’t. I knew him for a couple of years, but our relationship has been on and off. I use to think he had commitment issues. I remember when I first started talking to him, we had the “sex talk”. About one day, when we get to that point what we’d do. And I remember we came across the topic of oral sex (phone sex). He told me that he wanted to pleasure me orally. And to be honest I was in shock because I kind of always had this idea that guys hated cunnilingus or going down on women. They thought it was disgusting, but he was one of the guys I met that changed that. While we were talking about it, I remember mentioning me not feeling comfortable with oral sex. Truthful, giving or taking. I told him I wasn’t into performing oral sex and I didn’t go into detail. He replied that’s ok, but you’d love to receive. And he proceeded to tell me why I’d like it because of the feeling of someone’s tongue and the warmth and wetness of their mouth. It got me really hot, but I think the reason Im skeptical about receiving is my scent and taste. Fast forward a couple months we stopped talking to each other because of something silly and he got into another relationship. The girl he was with I don’t know much about that relationship but sometimes he brings her name up. It kind of frustrates me because how do you move forward thinking of/constantly bringing up the past. It took a year for us to mend our relationship. We’ve never actually had sex but I guess you can say sometimes to release sexual frustration we’d have phone sex and idk if he sent me something or said it over the phone and the topic about oral sex came up again. And the acts he wanted me to perform on him, I remember telling him before that I wasn’t comfortable with it and it wasn’t like a one time thing and he mentions it again. I acted a little secretive about what I wanted and didn’t want. He begged me to tell him what was going on. So I explained to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it yet again. I came up w/ a silly reason why because I didn’t know what to say at the time, but the truth is it feels degrading to me. I told him the reason was because I read it somewhere. He then said something between the lines of, “I understand, why someone wouldn’t want to do it.” It upset me though, that he couldn’t remember the things I told him because I remember almost everything about him. Trust me it’s not a, I want this and I’m not giving anything in return type of situation. I’d feel bad about myself even if though relationships shouldn’t be tit for tat. We would always have pauses, but god he can’t remember one thing about me. I told him about my molestation story when I was younger & even though I’m sure it didn’t involve oral sex. I can’t help the way I feel. I bought this up because I remember hearing him say things like women would say they don’t like performing oral sex, but they’d make an exception for him. Or I keep my dick shaved so I can get sucked and fucked. He told me about the time his ex sucked him off and these weren’t said back to back, but sometimes it pisses me off. Like recently we were talking and I guess he calls himself getting hot in the morning, but he said he wants to put his buck dick across my lips and let my saliva roll of while he forces himself down my throat. I can’t really explain why it makes me angry other than I feel degraded. I don’t want to come off as a plain Jane, but I don’t want to do things that make me uncomfortable either. I guess we’re just not sexually compatible. He wants different things and so do i. I think it hurts me more because I’ve told him multiple times that this is something I wish not to do, but in a way I feel like this keeps being forced on me. Please for those of you offended by the title, I do not mean to offend you and I’m sure it may not be degrading to all and that there are women out here that love oral/ bjs and That’s ok. I just don’t know. Do you guys think I should let it go? I know I shouldn’t be asking stranger, but I’m really looking for big sister help here. I’ve always thought I could maybe do fun play role or doggy style or idk I’m into theater and incorporate into the bedroom, but situations like this make me feel alone and sometimes I feel like I’ll be by myself. I want him to be with someone that’s going to make him happy and do the things he need to be sexually satisfied and if that’s not me, I need to be moving on. I know I wrote an essay, but thanks for reading!!! Lmao 😂 at these emojis though!!