I cry in my closet

sometimes my closet is my safe place. whenever I need time alone to erase my mind I go to my closet, sit on the floor, and just cry.

my husband and I have been married for a year now and we’ve been TTC for 7 months. every time I get a LH surge and begin to ovulate I make sure to tell my husband so we can do everything right to get our rainbow baby. however, lately when we try to BD he cannot perform. he says it gets to his head and he thinks too much about it. To me - this says his heart and his gut just is not ready for children. he goes on and on how much he wants kids and he’s ready for a family and always gets jealous whenever he hears anyone else is expecting..but is he just saying that out loud to make himself think he wants to start a family? if he’s not actually “ready” then how can I be ready when he is the other half of me? I feel that if his mind isn’t in it then it makes me second guess myself as well. even though i knew I was always meant to be a mom.

i am not sure what to think and how to not stress out about this...do I give up? do i stop tracking my cycles? do i not tell him when i know i’m ovulating? why would we try so hard for the past 7 months if it’s not even what he (we?) wants? i’m at a loss and feeling extremely emotional.

so here I am, sitting on the floor of my closet snuggling with my puppy, crying and thinking way too much.