Ugh so frustrating!! Kind of long sorry...

So I want a kid but I don't want a kid at the same time because I'm not financially ready for one yet and I'm trying to wait but it's hard. I've had a miscarriage before with my ex but it's like it made me want a baby even more every time I see a baby I just want one so bad. I know I can't have one though not now anyway and my current bf doesn't even know if he wants to kids😌 but it's not something I'm willing to discuss rn we are trying to get a apartment together and everything but even then idk. It's like I don't want to be pregnant rn but I can't help to be a little sad when my period comes sometimes. Does that make me a bad gf? We don't use condoms 100% of the time either which I realize is very freaking stupid but I can't take birth control and Everytime we use one I get a UTI. It's hard because we just can't keep our hands off of each other 😌 and we have tried.😭 It's so confusing and frustrating.