I don't know why I keep torturing myself...

I already know what its going to say before I even take it. I was already told my surgery to fix my infertility was unsuccessful... yet every month I spend tons of money on vitamins and tests. knowing what its going to say before I even pee on them, I still do it, then spend the next hour staring at it... like if I look hard enough something will appear. all I wanted to be was a mother. I suppose its time to start finding a hobby, maybe a full time job.... dh wants a stay at home wife/mother... but. you actually have to be able to have children for that. only 10dpo but after 13 years of infertility, I've finally lost hope.