Can't stand men... like literally

Ok, first a little background:

I'm a single child of a single mother, who's the daughter of a woman who survived domestic violence, the three of us have lived together all my life and I grew up listening how men are lying monsters, unworthy of trust, sex driven and heartless creatures...

My first contact with a man was when I was 14yo, this guy just asked me to be his girlfriend and then asked me to let him touch me under my pants, so I let him, an hour later he dumped me, and I felt horrible for months

Later, at 16 I got a boyfriend who was a friend of a friend, I accepted being his girlfriend because I was curious but I wasn't interested, he was 18 and wasn't studying, so when he mentioned marriage I ran like a border collie set free. It never went further than kisses.

At 17, I had a 4 months relationship with a guy who was just trying to convince himself he wasn't gay, it never went further than kisses either, and ended when we just stopped speaking to each other.

since then I've been trying to 'cure' myself, I even though I may be lesbian or asexual, but the fact is I want a man, I fantasize with strong big arms and bearded kisses, but somehow I just can't connect that idea with having a man in my life, I have had dates now that I'm 27yo, with guys I met via badoo, I tried being daring, I even have had cam sex thinking that if I can manage to feel good with a man, then I could condition myself to accept men, but I just can't, I always flee, I never had a second date, I block them, delete everything, reset my date apps accounts, and it's getting frustrating...

has anyone experienced something like this? how you got over it?