HONEST COMMUNICATION is key!
So just some back story, hubby and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3 of those years. All (2) of his relationships prior to me were with women. We have a beautiful two year old son together and are expecting a daughter within the next four weeks.
Well about a month ago, my husband came out to me as bi. Honestly, it’s something I’ve always kind of known, but he never actually expressed it in words. He told me about how he had feelings for a close friend of his when they were in college (a man I’ve met and consider a friend even though we don’t see him that often anymore), but how he was too scared to act on those feelings because of how his parents would react. He told me that ultimately, I’m the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with but part of him regrets never being true to himself and exploring those feelings. After telling me all of this, he asked how I felt about it. I answered truthfully that it doesn’t bother me any more than thinking about him with the women he was with prior to me (I think he and his friend kissed once or twice, maybe some light petting but that was the extent of it.) It was a great, honest conversation and I think he felt a real weight lifted off of him from being able to be honest with me without fear of judgement.
Since that talk our relationship has been the same as it always was. He went on an overnight trip with a different male friend and we joked about their “gaycation” etc. (we’ve always made jokes like that throughout our relationship; the running gag at our wedding was that I was actually going to marry his sister.)
Fast forward to last night. Hubby is an English major and has recently been writing a notebook of poems. It was probably an invasion of his privacy (but then again, we know the passcodes to each other’s phones and don’t hide anything from each other) but I picked it up and skimmed through it. The majority of the poems were about his college friend and his feelings towards him. It was obvious that this book of poems was basically like a diary of sorts for my husband, which wasn’t what I expected when I picked it up or I wouldn’t have read it without his permission.
After our son went to bed, I sat hubby down and asked to talk to him. I started by asking him not to get mad at me and explained how I read his book. I asked him to be honest with me and asked whether he was happy in our relationship. I told him that I wasn’t upset or jealous of what I had read, but I didn’t want him to feel trapped in our relationship because we are married, and I don’t want him to resent me later in life if he feels like he was never able to be who he really is. He answered that he IS happy and I am who he wants to be with; the journal is a way for him to work through these feelings that he is being honest with himself about for the first time really. He said a lot of the poems were written from his perspective then and do not reflect on our relationship now. He said if he didn’t want to be with me, he would be honest and tell me which is all I’ve ever asked of him.
Thankfully, he wasn’t mad about me reading his journal and I think he understood that I was coming from a place of love for him rather than anger or jealousy. I can honestly say that if he decided (now or later) that he was no longer happy in our relationship and that he needed to explore his feelings for this friend (or someone else) I would be heartbroken because I love him, but because of my love for him I want him to be happy and have the chance to be who he really is, even if that meant us divorcing. Likewise, he’s always told me he feels guilty because he’s my first and only sexual partner and he hopes that I don’t regret not exploring more before we got together. He has always asked me to be honest with him if I ever met someone else I was sexually attracted to and wanted to experience; it’s something I can’t imagine because I love him, but at the same time I love him for being open and not jealous or controlling of my relationships and interactions with other men.
Anyway, all of this is to say that honest communication is key, ladies. A lot of jealousy, worry, and heartache can be avoided with honest, truthful conversation with your significant other. My husband and I don’t own each other, we are PARTNERS in every sense of the word. And even if things in our relationship change down the road, I’m confident that we will remain partners both for the sake of our children and out of genuine love and care for each other.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. ❤️