it’s been difficult


just trying to do something cathartic, so i figured i would tell my story

got pregnant on our first cycle actively trying to conceive- i was ready, used opks, bbt, and preseed. bfp on 9dpo.

got my hcg drawn at 5 weeks- 622. “okay it’s a little low but people range! let’s just make sure it doubles.”

it didn’t. i felt off, like something was wrong. “oh well, it’s your first pregnancy! of course you don’t know what you should be feeling!” they wanted to wait and see, i pushed for a vaginal ultrasound at 6 weeks.

it was friday the 13th. i knew it would be bad news. just a sac. “maybe you ovulated late!” i knew when i ovulated.

continued to get hcg draws that didn’t double after two days but would after three. got another ultrasound at 7 weeks- still nothing in the sac when my levels were over 3,500.

was told to take misoprostol 4/20. the worst pain i’ve ever been in. finally after weeks of blood draws, i’m down to hcg of 2. was told to wait until after my period to try to conceive again.

“1 in 4,” the doctor told me. “a blighted ovum usually doesn’t happen a second time.”

it’s been really difficult. a miscarriage is a miscarriage. i’m glad i have my husband as an incredible support. but i keep thinking about what should have been. we should have had a baby in december, we were going to tell my parents on mother’s day that they would be grandparents for the first time. instead i told my mom while bawling my eyes out about everything. this is not what i pictured. i don’t feel comfortable telling anyone about it. i already know what they’ll say. i wish people at work would stop asking me when i’m going to get pregnant.

i’m worried it’s going to take a long time to conceive our next. like it was a fluke that we got pregnant the first time.

i’m ready for our rainbow 🌈

praying for you, baby