My mom is a really bad alcoholic. Always has been. I’m only 20 years old but as a child, she always tried turning me against my dad when she got drunk. She’s a mean drunk. She called me a slut, a bitch, had beaten the crap out of my dad countless times.She kicked my dad, my brother and I out of our home the start of my freshman year. I didn’t talk to her for over a year. In that year, she went to the bar with one of her friends, got way too drunk, called an ambulance for herself, and her friend left without paying the tab so my mom had a warrant out for a dine and dash. She hasn’t kicked my older brother out, I have three, and he woke up one morning and my mom had fallen down the stairs and had blood all over her. She was a mess. She got colon cancer and quit drinking. So I rekindled my relationship with her. By far the most amazing woman, when she is sober. I went through a really rough patch my junior year and she started drinking again, using my pain as an excuse. So I’ve went on and off talking to her. When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t talking to her because she had smacked my boyfriend across the face and called me a bitch, I wrote her a letter telling her I was pregnant. That was back in November. She lives in the same trailer park as me. Her drinking is so bad that if she doesn’t work in the morning, she drinks before she goes to work and will go to work drunk. She came to my baby shower and showed up drunk. All this makes her sound like a terrible person but when she’s sober, she is my best friend and I know that person is still in there. It’s just not up to me for her to come out. She won’t stop drinking for anyone but herself. Why I’m posting this is because I’ve decided my daughter Kinleigh will not know my mother unless my mother is going to AA and is sober. I struggle with this often because I feel selfish but then I remind myself, this is my child’s life. I have to be selfish. Some people will say “don’t leave her alone” or “don’t let her around her when she’s drinking” but I will not allow my child to have limitations with her grandmother. Especially when she isn’t working, she’s literally drinking. I do feel like Kinleigh should know her grandma but I don’t think it’s fair for Kinleigh to know this version of her because this isn’t the amazing version. With Mother’s Day being tomorrow, I’ve just had a really hard day. I just need to insight and someone to tell me they don’t think I’m making a bad decision. And don’t be harsh. I’ve been crying all day because I won’t be seeing my mom tomorrow but I can’t keep condoning her drinking. And everyone I quit talking to her and start again, its just saying “oh hey showing up to my baby shower drunk and calling me a bitch is okay.” My mom has broken my heart more than any guy has and that’s sad. I plan to send her a message tomorrow saying this “‭ I just wanted to say happy Mother’s Day and I love you. I do hope that you have a great day. But I also wanted to say one more time the reason I’m not apart of your days anymore. I can’t watch my mother drink her life away anymore. I can’t support it and condone it. You are my best friend when you’re sober and whatever pain you have is absolutely nothing compared to the pain I feel everyday wondering if my mom will ever straighten up her act long enough to know her grand daughter. You are one of my favorite people in these world when you’re sober and I sincerely hope that one day, you’re able to see how much better you and your life are when you don’t choose alcohol. I really hope that Kinleigh gets a chance to know her grandma because I know Kinleigh is going to be absolutely amazing so I hope that you have a chance to know her, outside of pictures you see of her. She deserves a chance to know you but I can’t let her know the alcoholic you. She doesn’t deserve that pain. I hope one day I can get my mom back. I love you always and happy Mother’s Day. “ it’s been the hardest thing not having my mother through my pregnant (I’m 30 weeks) and it breaks my heart everyday, but alcoholism will be the death of her. She drinks that much. And I want her to see Kinleigh graduate and get married and have kids. And I want Kinleigh to see the amazing version of her I know but she hasn’t been that version in so long.