I avoided the app on Mother’s Day was already proving to be very difficult for me. I hope you all were able to find peace. I decided to write out my feelings/story which became rhyme-schemed. I don’t know if this will either ease or trigger anyone and I apologize if it’s the latter, but crying has been very therapeutic for me and I just wanted to share. 💛 Here is my poem of release. (Cross-posted)

- - -

Everything started the morning my eyes

Became quite fixated on “two pink lines”

Could hardly believe it, so I ran to the store

And bought more tests, oh yes many more!

With each one that showed that you truly were there

I suddenly found myself very aware:

It wasn’t just me anymore – what I give

Is new life to YOU! A new life WE will live.

I nervously told your Daddy that night

He was shocked, then excited – his face grew so bright.

We hardly even wanted to go to bed

Many thoughts and ideas were now in our heads.

I called up our doctor to tell them the news

And made an appointment, anxious to see views

Our little speck❣️ we would see on that screen -

The start of our family is what it would mean!

It’s true that your appearance was a surprise

Were we really ready? We had barely “tried”!

But the instant that changed we started to plan.

Daddy became protective (he is such a great man!)

We started to prepare and talk about you;

A boy or a girl? Would your eyes match my blue?

None of that mattered, but one thing was true;

As soon as we found out, we already loved you.

With all the excitement there also came pains;

The nausea, exhaustion, hormones, crazy brain!

The changes were instant but no one else knew;

Afterall there was still 8 months til you’re due!

But something was different late one night

Some blood on the paper; it didn’t seem right.

Before falling asleep my mind was a wreck.

“I hope that this doesn’t affect my small speck.” ❣️

My body then woke me with pains quite unbearable

I curled up and cried but no comfort – so terrible!

Why were these intense cramps being dealt?

Sharp pains for an hour was all I felt!

“I’m hot and I’m dizzy and clammy as well -

I’m sweating, I’m dying - what is this hell?!”

Eventually though it just faded away.

The fight made me tired; sleep quickly came my way.

When I woke again later and went to the restroom,

I was immediately reminded of the earlier doom.

A large clot of blood passed out of me then…

I shrieked and I wiped and it happened again.

I knew something was wrong so I raced for my phone;

Dialed up my doctor and heard the busy tone.

It transferred me over to a hotline of nurses

I waited and prayed, and recited some verses

My hand on my heart as it continued to pound

Then soon I was hearing a kind, gentle sound -

“How can we help you?” the nurse inquired.

I spoke very quickly, felt my body perspire.

I know that the words I was saying were blurred,

But she instantly knew all the things I suffered.

The concern in her voice was noticeable then

And she began to ask me so many questions.

With each response given, her tone grew more troubled

The worry and fear I was feeling just doubled.

I contacted my job and called off for the day.

“I’m not feeling well” - the real story I couldn’t say.

My husband and I met with the doctor that morning.

She confirmed we were pregnant - but gave many warnings;

“If this bleeding stops then you might be ok.

Go home and relax; don’t do anything today.”

I was sent home on rest for the weekend and pondered -

Were the last 10 days of our life just squandered?

I spent the slow weekend wanting to feel something

But those ‘feelings of pregnancy’ soon became nothing.

When we went back on Monday the sad news was true -

You just didn’t make it; there was nothing we could do.

The ultrasound scan was empty as could be.

No heartbeat, no speck – nothing to hear nor see.

We solemnly went home with so much to dwell on

As quickly as you arrived you were already gone.

My follow-up appointment had me nervous and scared

Was it something I did? Was my body not prepared?

But the doctor said that I’m healthy, and “No.

It’s nothing you did but there’s nothing else that we know.”

The appointment actually went well, to be honest

She said if we wanted, to try again and promised -

“The chance of things going wrong is slim.

Don’t let this experience make you feel grim.”

But it’s not that easy to just move on.

Because you were here – and now you are gone.

Some days are ok and some days are quite bad.

I keep trying to smile, but mostly I feel sad.

When I look in the mirror now, all that I see

Are eyes that are cried out and my flat belly.

I turn to the side and think ‘Wouldn’t it be grand

If I was holding you here, not just empty hands.’

But for just a moment I did get to “hold” you

It was brief but I loved you; yes I already knew.

I know grief will not last, but this memory will.

You may be gone physically, but stay with me still.

Now there’s no news to tell and nothing to share

But that doesn’t mean that you weren’t once there.

Yes, life will go on, but this moment remains.

In my heart you will be; I’m forever changed.

❣️