Dear Mr. Miscarriage ,

All my life my teachers had told me to start the opening of a letter with warm & welcoming words. & yet again I can't seem to find warm nor welcoming words . I simply cannot come up with any at all to start this letter meant for you. The only words that keep coming to mind are the furthest from welcoming. & they all stem from the many things you have done to me.

You have taken my baby from me. A innocent baby whom I loved. My baby whom I couldn’t wait to meet. My babies whom I will never know the gender of & never get to hold. My baby who will never know the touch of their mother. & all I have left of my baby is sonogram photos , sonogram photos that are taped to my wall & that I look at every day and wish things had been different.

You have robbed my step son of his sibling , He didn't know much about her but I had to explain that his baby sister in heaven is watching over him. He tells me all the time that he doesnt wanna go to heaven that his "baby sister" has to come visit us one day & that he'd like that oh so much . You stole from him the opportunity to meet her & be best friends with her . You robbed him of his playmate .

You made me have to tell my baby it was okay to let go, when all I wanted to do was beg for it to hold on , to breathe... But as I saw it on the sonogram screen fighting against the odds, I knew that my baby was only holding on in there for me & so I had to let it go. Do you have any idea what it is like to tell your baby it’s okay to let go? Do you know whats its like to have your baby hold on from the inside for four weeks longer than it should have . I wondered for days why she held on , why there wasn't any signs of a miscarriage.. I read up on some things & there was a case where a mother went through what I had to endure but she decided to let her baby come out when she's ready not when the doctors advise that shes ready , well her heart started back up & she made it to full term . I came to the conclusion to help my heart heal that the souls of babies pick their mothers before we even know about them , before we are even pregnant & for some reason she picked me & oddly enough believing that made my heart a little fuller . Sounds crazy I know but whatever works right? My baby was taken from me just as fast as she was given to me ..

You , Mr. Miscarriage alone have burned in my memory the image of my unmoving , lifeless baby on the sonogram screen. An image that I both yearn to forget and always want to remember so badly . My precious baby, whose heartbeat I just seen weeks prior was unnaturally still on that screen. It forever ruined me & the ultrasound experience. In fact, you have also ruined pregnancy for me . That joyous time that I yearn for so much is also a time now filled with such anxiety. I will never again be able to enjoy it, and instead will always be afraid of it ending in the pain I have become so used to.

& that pain, it never goes away even though everyone around me tells me to let go & thats its over with . There is this unending ache in my heart caused by the loss of my baby. It is as if she physically took a piece of my heart with her . My heart will never be complete again & part of me is okay with that , because that piece is just for her a part of me she'll always have .

I will never be complete again. You have changed me forever. There is this sadness , so much sorrow in me that will never completely go away. Most people don’t notice it, but it’s there. I see it in the depths of my eyes when I look in the mirror . I feel it at different moments every day that goes by , certain smells like oranges I'd peel them not just to eat them but to put the peel in my puke bag so the smell wouldnt be overwhelming . It seems that sadness has just become a part of who I am.

You have changed my marriage. You have made me unable to be the wife I want to be. No matter how hard I try to fight it, there are times that the grief overwhelms me, & I find that I am unable to be the silly , & crazy wife I know my husband misses. You think I haven’t caught on to the fact that he misses the old me? Well, I have. Hell, I miss her too. But as much as I try, I just can’t seem to find her.

You have made me hate my body so much . A body that I once didn't feel sick looking at , but now all I see is exactly that & then some . A body that seems unable to carry the baby I love .

You alone have made me question my faith. I used to have strong faith that God knew what was best for me, but now I wonder if that is true. Why did god give me a child only to take her away? What did I do to deserve this in my life? Doesn’t God realize how much I want to carry , hold & kiss my baby? Does he? Does he understand the emptiness because of my baby being ripped from me?

You have made my body, once filled with that faith , now full of jealousy & anger. The moster you've created lives in me . & she rears her ugly head every time I see someone who is pregnant. It’s a terrible feeling , & yet I can’t shake it. It just keeps popping up , babies everywhere. Mothers that get to experience the wonders of having baby .

You have made certain dates painful marks throughout the year that I'll never forget: February 4 , February 13 , March 22 & March 23 , last but not least September 29 The days I found out I was pregnant, the day of my first ultrasound , the days I miscarried, and what had been my due date. Every year these dates will be painful reminders of all I have lost & never got to experience.

& so with that being said , forgive me mr. miscarriage, but I simply cannot find it in me to say anything kind to you. It seems that on top of all you have already taken from me, you have also taken my ability to follow social norms. You've made it hard to laugh , hard to see other mothers with their babies or dads out & about with their children . So with all this being said , no I will not forgive , no I have nothing warm or welcoming to say , & no I wont just get over it all . A part of me died with my baby, a part of me was ripped away from me way before I was ready to handle that kind of pain or ready to say goodbye . So again no I'm not okay but just as my baby was & all the woman in my family , I'm a fighter & I wasn't built for backing down .

Sincerely ,

Me , a mother thats drowning but staying afloat