2 hours.. UPDATE...

Well... 2 hours until the very first appt, I feel bad for saying it out loud but I am not excited or looking forward to it at all. Completely terrified. I believe I’m 14+3 today I’ll know for sure today. I’ll know if my worst fears are confirmed that something may be wrong. I’ll know today if there’s a heartbeat. Today I will know the things I don’t. Today is full of information I’m praying for strength to process. Courage to get out of the car and walk into the unknown. Hoping I can do this without moral support. I’m taking my 6 yr old son with me since no one knows about baby yet so I can’t leave him with anyone without driving up suspicions of whatever stories one would want to dream up. He’s always with me so it would appear unusual on my part since I let no one watch him. So he’s coming along. I was invited by my mother to go to lunch but blew it off saying I was getting my son up this morning to take him to the park before it got too hot out for him today. My appt is at 11:15. I’m sure I’ll take him to the park after just for some alone time to process.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Spent the entire night tossing and turning and staring at the clock. Finally fell asleep but woke up numerous times. Woke up this morning beyond nauseous, not sure if it’s pregnancy nausea or just from being scared. I have been getting in the shower for the last hour but have been sitting in this chair paralyzed by fear I guess. I feel like I should be rushing around in excitement, like I should be hurrying to get to my appt and that super happy lady sitting in the parking lot 45 minutes early dying to get inside but not wanting to look over eager. I feel like I should want to look at the screen, hold that moment frozen in Time forever and take pictures of it, take pictures of the picture. But at the same time I don’t feel ready to look, ready to see what I don’t know. I feel like I should want all these things. I know I did with my last pregnancy and i feel like a bad mom because I want to go anywhere but there. It makes me sad that I feel this way. I am scared. I am feeling very alone. I know I will make it through the day regardless of the outcome because as moms we find strength we didn’t know we had when we feel hopeless, helpless, and scared. Although it’s not always beautiful and we may ugly cry and shake with fear through these hard moments but this is most definitely when we shine. Somehow we put on an iron mask with a smile and we put one foot in front of the other and we go forward...the world has no idea on the inside we’re taking it moment by moment we look so together. Thank you all for letting me vent over the wait of the last month. It’s been hard.😔

Today I am scared..

Today I am praying..

Today I will know..

UPDATE: Okay you guys this has been the longest day. I got to the appt, nervous but I made it there. They discussed how the birth control had been going etc. I told them I had about 4-5 days of moderate spotting in March which I wasn’t sure was a period or not and I had explained all of this when they decided to make the appt when they did. So they asked when I had a normal period last not counting March. I said I had an extremely heavy period or what I thought was one in February 14th, it lasted like 8 days and I bled heavier than I have since I was like 14. It was crazy! So puzzled they then decide to do a transvaginal ultrasound, he tries for I’d say about 5-6 minutes and says hmm I think you might be farther along than I can see on this machine. You’re going to have to make an appt with imaging downstairs, let me call and see if they can fit you in today. Other than that let’s have you back in two weeks to follow up on this. But my guess is you’re 15-16 weeks. (WHAT?!😯) so they check downstairs while I’m sitting in the room trying to do long division and figure this out. And what the period like thing in March was and the heavy bleed in February because if that’s the case then I would have been pregnant like a week before that happened and the dr, myself, his nurse were all just puzzled. So of course they were full in imaging. So they tell me to go downstairs and schedule one for asap. I go downstairs they schedule an ultrasound to try to date this for Tuesday at 11a.m. He decides to have me wait another two weeks for labs and screening as we’re figuring all this out. So I leave not knowing much more than I knew before I got there and much more confused. I call my fiancé at work, he freaks out of course and was in a terrible mood hearing this confirmation and that I could be 15-16 weeks along. Knowing how he’s felt all along about not wanting another baby yet I’m pretty sure he was hoping they would have different news. He hasn’t said that but it wasn’t the news he wanted to hear and he was like okay well yeah let me get back to work. So about 20 minutes later my drs office calls me, and tells me they didn’t want me waiting over the long weekend for imaging so they made an appt at the hospital for an hour later and to start drinking 32 oz of water and get there by 2. That worried me a bit. But I went over, registration actually admitted me which surprised me and I was there until after 5 when they finally discharged me. I met with imaging, a student did the ultrasound then a sonographer went behind her to check a couple things. I asked questions but they weren’t allowed to answer me and said my OB would get the report and he would then have to sign off on it and would be the only one who could tell me anything about how far along, due date etc. She did try to see if she could tell boy or girl, but she looked and said you’re literally right on the cusp of when you can tell and when it’s still hard to tell and I can’t tell. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions but that had my mind lean a little more towards thinking girl after seeing some of the boy ultrasounds you guys have had even earlier on where it was obvious. But she said she really couldn’t tell. So I left there with a couple pictures which I will share with you guys in a bit when my phone charges. I did call my OB when I left as they said as soon as radiology reads it we’ll send it over and then he can give you the info so I gave them a heads up to look out for it and to please call if it came in before they closed in 30 minutes. About 50 minutes later they called to let me know they had just received it a minute ago and that unfortunately the dr had already gone home for the day so he couldn’t sign off on it so she could release any of the info. I said you’ve got to be kidding, after all this I still can’t know a due date at the very least until next week. She apologized. Luckily I’ve known this receptionist for quite a while since he’s been my OB through my other pregnancies. And she’s like well I can’t tell you it’s medical policy...but maybe you want to play a guessing game. After multiple guesses and her telling me higher and lower and that his guess was correct, I don’t know anything else about the ultrasound or any of that info but she helped me guess that the report read that today I am 15 weeks exactly and that I’m due November 16th, 2018. I’ll share a few pictures in a bit. Thank you all for the well wishes still a lot of testing to go but this day one has been an extremely long day!