Boyfriend “was” going to propose


Ok so little history , me and my boyfriend has been together 4 1/2 years and have a 5 month old daughter together..One if my brothers died last summer while I was pregnant. Ok so this past weekend me and my family (including him and our daughter) went to Florida to finally spread my brothers ashes and the day we were supposed to before we left to the beach and while everyone was loading up me and my SO go into an argument, he walked away I ended up saying F You. So that day he was actually planning on proposing but that argument was just the last straw for him , apparently he had been questioning if that was sure of what he wanted to do , having mixed feelings about the relationship based on how I been and how the relationship has been. I recently started to get the help that I needed from a new doctor as far as just simply having a baby and loosing my brother, I’m not the same person I was and he’s having a hard time adjusting to all the changes as being parents , he’s gotten better but we still have so much to work on. So idk if I’m asking a question or just venting but I just can’t help but think about that he was going to propose but me and my mouth ruined it that day . I keep looking at it different like blaming myself then like if he really wanted to marry me he would but idk my head just feel like it’s going to explode from so much.