Friends with benefits, until his ex came back š
(I ended up venting in the end so sorry in advance lol)
I donāt feel as bad as I did Thursday, but itās still a little painful to think about. I know (hope) I can forget about it by the time I start working again this summer because Iām a bad bitch and I donāt get sad over these lame dudes, but it feels like it just happened so I just feel kinda numb right now.
So it started in January when he slid in my DMs after seeing my pics in Vegas with my cute little dress on for my birthday. We knew each other about two years ago since we were in the newspaper together but I never got to know him back then until now. We flirted a little and eventually got together about a week later. We hooked up and it was amazing. All the other guys I was with were just too small (keeping it real haha) and the last girl I was fwb with, she found a girlfriend. Amazing right? I think thereās a pattern going on. Iām just there to comfort them and have fun with no feelings...until they get with their old friend (or his ex) and theyāre just together now and Iām just...here. Weāre cool though! Weāre friends just like how it was before! And everything is just fine because theyāre happy now with someone and Iām just...here. Alone.
We hooked up a lot. Every night together went like this: He would pick me up (I donāt have a car š), we would go to his place since he lives alone, smoke weed, sometimes drink a little (I donāt like it but I do it anyway. He lets me pick my favorite though), watch Netflix/listen to music, I donāt talk much honestly. Iām really awkward and quiet if Im with anyone, even my friends sometimes. So then after getting comfortable we would have sex and I pretty much came every time. The only problem was that he started to finish too fast. Wasnāt a big deal. I just liked the company and I still loved the sex. But that was how it went down. We even had a threesome with one of his girl friends. She wasnāt the girl I saw with him though (weāll get to that).
Then May came. It gets crazy during this time with finals and deadlines so I was busy and he was too. We hooked up again and it was like any other night we had. Maybe we couldāve tried something new, kept it fun and different. We talked about trying new stuff but never got around to it.
So then graduation came and we were both at the ceremony. We even sat together during the rehearsal. But when the actual ceremony happened, we were on separate sides since, you know, last names. Oh, and my mom/brother/sister knew about him since weāre so close and we talk about everything. And they were there, sitting and cheering me on. So when it was his turn to walk on stage, he made his way to his seat, stopping towards his dad and son. And his ex (maybe more as of now? Who fucking knows?). And he kisses her right on the lips. And my mom just stares, jaw on the floor. My brother too. They both glance at each other in shock. I kinda wish she didnāt text me about what she saw. I almost wish I didnāt tell her about him. But I stopped myself from reacting to everything she was texting me. I saw him after, took a picture with him. I didnāt look up to see his dad or his son or..her. I just went over to my family. Went to dinner. I was happy, trying to celebrate my accomplishments dammit lol. The next day I posted all my graduation pictures, liked everyoneās posts, even his post. He did the same. I looked at the one with her in it. I remember her from all the Facebook lurking I did on him. She looked so familiar...we live in a small-ish town even though weāre near the Bay so I see the same people everywhere. Kept lurking...they dated about two years ago. They hung out one time, a week after we hooked up. I I saw the picture of them together. Itās really none of my business. We were just friends. I just assumed he wasnāt into relationships right now. I assume too much. I stay in my head too much and go insane without talking about it like a normal person. But it doesnāt matter anymore. Considering the way we texted about hooking up the other week, maybe heāll hit me up at 8 pm to fuck again. Maybe he wonāt. It doesnāt matter. I donāt know if heāll text me to do it again and Iāll agree to do it one more time, then end things after fucking one more time. Maybe.
I know what I will do (I have no other choice lol). Iāll live my fucking life. Try not to stay on social media 24/7 since I feel more and more insane whenever I go on my phone. Make my money this summer. Hang out with my friends. Get the fuck over this feeling of being used. Iām not sure how to explain it. But to see him with her, after he said he wasnāt into a relationship right now, was a hard slap in the face. I think he meant a relationship with me. Even if he said that one time, five months ago. A relationship with me was not happening. Just friends who smoke and have really good sex until I start crying after and he freaks out inside. But he holds my hand because I canāt find the words and I donāt even know why I fucking cried that night. Maybe I did know...
Iām frustrated with this āhookup cultureā weāre living in. It really blurs the lines between friendships and romantic relationships. And because of that, itās hard to know how to feel with that person when youāre doing things with them that feels like way more than friends. Itās fun in the moment but when itās over, you question your feelings, the relationship, everything. Maybe thatās just me..I donāt know.. I do know that this is no longer for me anymore. I did this with a few people before and it was fine. But was it really āfineā? I knew I wanted more than just a stupid night of meaningless sex. I always knew that. I wanted a relationship. But I settled for whatever I was given, as long as it felt good. Even if it was temporary. Maybe I just wanted to be with someone since all my close friends had relationships. But Iām starting to make goals for myself since they make me feel like my life has meaning lol. One of them is to stop giving in to friends with benefits. My friendships will stay platonic until further notice š. Just kidding. But really. It saves me the confusion and self-deprecation that comes with this horrible cycle Iāve been in.
I feel like this story went in way too many directions sorry lol. But thanks for reading if you made it this far š. And if youāve experienced this or something similar, just know that I feel what you felt/are feeling now and youāre not alone. You deserve something real and honest. Donāt settle for anything but that.
Let's Glow!
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