Friends with benefits, until his ex came back 😕

Nia

(I ended up venting in the end so sorry in advance lol)

I don’t feel as bad as I did Thursday, but it’s still a little painful to think about. I know (hope) I can forget about it by the time I start working again this summer because I’m a bad bitch and I don’t get sad over these lame dudes, but it feels like it just happened so I just feel kinda numb right now.

So it started in January when he slid in my DMs after seeing my pics in Vegas with my cute little dress on for my birthday. We knew each other about two years ago since we were in the newspaper together but I never got to know him back then until now. We flirted a little and eventually got together about a week later. We hooked up and it was amazing. All the other guys I was with were just too small (keeping it real haha) and the last girl I was fwb with, she found a girlfriend. Amazing right? I think there’s a pattern going on. I’m just there to comfort them and have fun with no feelings...until they get with their old friend (or his ex) and they’re just together now and I’m just...here. We’re cool though! We’re friends just like how it was before! And everything is just fine because they’re happy now with someone and I’m just...here. Alone.

We hooked up a lot. Every night together went like this: He would pick me up (I don’t have a car 🙄), we would go to his place since he lives alone, smoke weed, sometimes drink a little (I don’t like it but I do it anyway. He lets me pick my favorite though), watch Netflix/listen to music, I don’t talk much honestly. I’m really awkward and quiet if Im with anyone, even my friends sometimes. So then after getting comfortable we would have sex and I pretty much came every time. The only problem was that he started to finish too fast. Wasn’t a big deal. I just liked the company and I still loved the sex. But that was how it went down. We even had a threesome with one of his girl friends. She wasn’t the girl I saw with him though (we’ll get to that).

Then May came. It gets crazy during this time with finals and deadlines so I was busy and he was too. We hooked up again and it was like any other night we had. Maybe we could’ve tried something new, kept it fun and different. We talked about trying new stuff but never got around to it.

So then graduation came and we were both at the ceremony. We even sat together during the rehearsal. But when the actual ceremony happened, we were on separate sides since, you know, last names. Oh, and my mom/brother/sister knew about him since we’re so close and we talk about everything. And they were there, sitting and cheering me on. So when it was his turn to walk on stage, he made his way to his seat, stopping towards his dad and son. And his ex (maybe more as of now? Who fucking knows?). And he kisses her right on the lips. And my mom just stares, jaw on the floor. My brother too. They both glance at each other in shock. I kinda wish she didn’t text me about what she saw. I almost wish I didn’t tell her about him. But I stopped myself from reacting to everything she was texting me. I saw him after, took a picture with him. I didn’t look up to see his dad or his son or..her. I just went over to my family. Went to dinner. I was happy, trying to celebrate my accomplishments dammit lol. The next day I posted all my graduation pictures, liked everyone’s posts, even his post. He did the same. I looked at the one with her in it. I remember her from all the Facebook lurking I did on him. She looked so familiar...we live in a small-ish town even though we’re near the Bay so I see the same people everywhere. Kept lurking...they dated about two years ago. They hung out one time, a week after we hooked up. I I saw the picture of them together. It’s really none of my business. We were just friends. I just assumed he wasn’t into relationships right now. I assume too much. I stay in my head too much and go insane without talking about it like a normal person. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Considering the way we texted about hooking up the other week, maybe he’ll hit me up at 8 pm to fuck again. Maybe he won’t. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know if he’ll text me to do it again and I’ll agree to do it one more time, then end things after fucking one more time. Maybe.

I know what I will do (I have no other choice lol). I’ll live my fucking life. Try not to stay on social media 24/7 since I feel more and more insane whenever I go on my phone. Make my money this summer. Hang out with my friends. Get the fuck over this feeling of being used. I’m not sure how to explain it. But to see him with her, after he said he wasn’t into a relationship right now, was a hard slap in the face. I think he meant a relationship with me. Even if he said that one time, five months ago. A relationship with me was not happening. Just friends who smoke and have really good sex until I start crying after and he freaks out inside. But he holds my hand because I can’t find the words and I don’t even know why I fucking cried that night. Maybe I did know...

I’m frustrated with this “hookup culture” we’re living in. It really blurs the lines between friendships and romantic relationships. And because of that, it’s hard to know how to feel with that person when you’re doing things with them that feels like way more than friends. It’s fun in the moment but when it’s over, you question your feelings, the relationship, everything. Maybe that’s just me..I don’t know.. I do know that this is no longer for me anymore. I did this with a few people before and it was fine. But was it really “fine”? I knew I wanted more than just a stupid night of meaningless sex. I always knew that. I wanted a relationship. But I settled for whatever I was given, as long as it felt good. Even if it was temporary. Maybe I just wanted to be with someone since all my close friends had relationships. But I’m starting to make goals for myself since they make me feel like my life has meaning lol. One of them is to stop giving in to friends with benefits. My friendships will stay platonic until further notice 😂. Just kidding. But really. It saves me the confusion and self-deprecation that comes with this horrible cycle I’ve been in.

I feel like this story went in way too many directions sorry lol. But thanks for reading if you made it this far 😂. And if you’ve experienced this or something similar, just know that I feel what you felt/are feeling now and you’re not alone. You deserve something real and honest. Don’t settle for anything but that.