I feel so trapped in a bad relationship with my son’s father. But I keep hoping things will get better. I moved away from my friends and family to his hometown in the rural countryside. The friends I have made are only superficial - not friends I can run to for help. My family is so far away and my father is beside himself because he can’t do anything to help me. I don’t tell him everything either because I don’t want him to stress.

I feel alone because I don’t know who I can talk to honestly about what’s happening. I feel so ashamed.

I have so much shame about being 32 years old and still such a fuck up. About not having any resources available to me to start over with my son. About moving out here and having a baby with a man I had a gut feeling was wrong for me.

I also feel ashamed for being so unhappy in a situation that is not as bad as other women suffer. He tells me all the time that out problems are all my fault. At first I denied that wholeheartedly, now I start to believe him.

He’s extinguishing my light. I have no joy left.

I just wanted a family and a home and ironically, he constantly threatens to kick me out of the house (which he always reminds me is his) and he literally takes my baby away from me and brings him to his parents’ house. I then freak the fuck out and he calls me unstable and sick. He’s called the police on me twice.

He took my baby last night and says i can have him back this afternoon. I haven’t slept all night. I’m trying to stay calm.

I’m like the rat who runs back to the noisy nest just because that’s “home.” Not because it’s safe or comfortable but only because it’s familiar. I can see myself doing the things a broken woman does.

I know that I should leave him, that I would eventually be so happy without him but then I start to worry about being a single mom. I become paralyzed by the overwhelm of being a single mom. And sometimes I just try to talk myself into feeling like it’s “good enough” to just be with my son and get to stay home with him... I know that I am not making sense. I know what I’d want to tell another woman in this situation...

I’m so profoundly unhappy. I have zero enthusiasm for my life or my future. I am in all likelihood extremely depressed. I’m on an antidepressant but I probably need a stronger one. I’ve gained 40 lbs. I want to sleep all day. If I don’t take my adderall, I can sleep all day. I’m wasting my life and my son’s baby/toddlerhood being depressed.

I’m so lonesome. He threatens me like, “you think you hate me now, you just wait!” And that he will fight me and make my existence trying to get away miserable. That’s why I start to wonder if it wouldn’t just be easier to stay. 😞 help me - I feel so isolated.