I thought I could change him

So this is my first post under my new profile. I want to put my story out there for any girl or woman that may be struggling to leave a relationship right now.

Back in 2010 my first husband and I got divorced. We had 9 great years of marriage, 11 years together but that last 6 months was tough! One night, for whatever reason I logged in to his email after suspecting something was up. I found emails from who I thought was a friend to him telling him she loved him and couldn't wait until he left me and they could be together. I confronted him, he told me he heard decided he was too young to be married (after 9 YEARS of marriage) and that he deserved to be happy. He moved out within the week and now 8 years later is married to her. That was early of 2010.

Fast forward to spring 2013, I was just looking to make some nw friends to hang out with and have a good time. I was working 2 jobs and never took time to myself. I was on a meet a friend type app and met my now soon to be ex husband. There were red flags from the start but he was charming and I fell head over heels. About a month after becoming official, several months of dating, I was staying all night at his house and woke up in the middle of the night to catch him texting a girl and exchanging nudes. I immediately got up and left. A few days and dozens of calls later I met up with him and he changed his way back in. Things went well for a few months and we ended up moving in together. He left to go to work one day and forgot his phone. Being nosy like I am I snooped. I found messages and pictures from several different women. I confronted him on it, he said he didn't know how the pics got on his phone, foolishly I believed him. I'm not exactly the most tech savvy person.

Several months go by, he loses his job. I support us and his child by his ex wife. He finally gets a part time gig.

I catch him in more lies and with more photos. I should've left.

Two years in to our relationship I found out he was having a full blown relationship with someone. He broke it off with her and she became borderline stalker with him. He had told her he loved her and was going to leave me for her. He won her over with that charming personality of his then devastated her. Once again I should've left but I stayed. He convinced me he loved me and it would never happen again.

He was "faithful" for about 18 months that I know of. By faithful I mean his idea of faithful. He doesn't view anything besides actual physical touching and acts cheating.

Around 18 months ago I got a DM from a former friends boyfriend. He had found messages exchanged between his girlfriend and my husband. I confronted my husband and he admitted everything and more. He admitted trying to hook up with a really good friend of mine that shot him down. He was talking to a former coworker of mine. He hooked up with this former friend of mine as well as 2 random people he met while working. I should've left but instead at this point I decided to marry him and start ttc. Genius, I know. I figured if I married him and gave him the baby he had wanted for years then he'd change. I was wrong.

We are 18 months or so out from that incident. I have caught him with random messages and some pictures since. I also know he has a private folder on his phone but I have no idea how to access it. He told me it was to save the pics of me and yes I believed him.

Tuesday I recieved a phone call. My grandma has Alzheimer's and lives with us. He crossed the line and on multiple occasions propositioned TWO of grandmas in home health aides. The agency we used immediately pulled care.

During the time we were ttc I did get pregnant but miscarried. As much as I wanted that baby I now see it as a blessing in disguise. This is not the "man" I am supposed to be with. I should've left long ago. I've been repeatedly humiliated, lied to, tore down and walked all over. In addition to this he's controlling and manipulative and at this point I think he fits the description of narcissistic personality disorder.

I am currently trying to pick up the pieces of my life that I let him break. I AM leaving. I am trying my best to keep things normal for the next month or so until his daughters birthday. This is going to destroy her and she's a big part of the reason I've stayed.

I am making plans to move out of state to be where my sister is. I have no ties to where I am. My job can transfer. He's currently telling me I can have everything. We will see if he is still saying that after I go and get my own apartment.

Ladies, you CAN leave. You CAN have a full life on your own. Do NOT stand for the disrespect in any way, shape or form. I had to finally realize I AM worth more. I AM worthy of someone that's devoted only to me and isn't running around with who knows who and doing who knows what while I bust my behind 6 days a week just to make sure our bills are paid.

I feel intense guilt for walking away. I'm almost 36 with 2 failed marriages. I do not have kids. However I know I CAN do this.

If you've read all. this, thank you. I just want others to know they aren't alone and I also need to vent.