When I was 15 I feel in love..

He was beautiful. My parents were going through a divorce and as the only child in me felt I had to pick between them but I choose the man I wanted to marry. I stayed with him as often as I could. I wanted kids and a mortgage and made a plan in my head.

When i was 18 we moved in together. It was stressful. We had issues but to be together we made it work.

At 20 we got engaged and at 21 I got married. Love is simple.

2 weeks after my honeymoon I went to hospital with pain in my side. I had an 18cm cyst on my left ovary. 5 months later the cyst was removed and they saved my ovary 😬

Tests confirmed a low sperm count for my husband the year we married. The doctors believed I would have another cyst within a year.

At 22 we went through a year of tests to begin the process of ICSI

At 23 the process begun. If u have been through injecting yourself twice a day you know it’s not fun, however you have the end result. You research, eat all you can as healthy as you can..put your life on hold.

10th of May 2014 it had all been worth it my positive pregnancy test and me sat on the floor. I planned my pram, the nursery in about a day. I felt complete

Less than two weeks later, spotting..it can happen but I knew. I felt different. My body was empty again. After calling my consultant and having a blood test my first miscarriage was confirmed. My heart hurt when I called my dad. I heard his voice break at the end of the call.

In October we started the process again I knew what to expect this time. Crying in public and showing myself of every doctor but I didn’t care. It’s my turn. I had helped my friends with miscarriages , abortions, birth, New borns and toddlers.

To go through everything, the embryos are in perfect position and look good. We got it right. To wait two weeks for the test to show negative is pain I can’t explain. In the uk 2 cycles are permitted to be nhs funded. I had lost the best opportunity to have my family.

At 24 I needed a break, I booked a cheap holiday with my partner. To regroup to heal.

At 25 the strain of what we had been through started to show. The anger we both felt.

At 26 I got pregnant. This it. One day I knew. I miscarried at the same stage as last time. I had a gut felling I needed to look into it more.

At 27 my husband checks out even more. Changes him mind about wanting children. I decided to go ahead with the investigation to my miscarriages alone. I found out something that I felt I had always know. I have a blood disorder that means my blood clots to much in early pregnancy. I need to be on blood thinner.

My husband and I decide we can’t make it work. I want a child and he doesn’t any more. I have never changed what I want he has. We cut of the relationship and decide it’s time. The more open I am to others about my relationship the more I see it’s not normal.

Me crying because my best friend got pregnant on day one of meeting a guy and just needing him for me to lean on. He said to me u need to get over it. He’s never been perfect over the years and I never no what version of him I will come home to at the end of the day.

Fast forward to today..I am in limbo. Do I try and see if he can change and continue this or do I make a fresh break?? Have u ever thought about ending something u have put 12 years into??