my freshman year of high school, i was at my (no longer friends) best friends house and her older brother and his friends were there too. we were watching a movie and one of her brothers friends that i had a crush on came out and sat and just talked with us. they had all gone to a party earlier and seemed high and a little drunk. he moved to sit with me and tried to kiss me but i knew better because he had gone around hooking up with a lot of my “friends”, so i told him no because of that. and he just frowned and gave me a look like “are you serious. later he got up to go to the bathroom and my best friend and I had fallen asleep i guess while he was gone because the next thing i knew, i woke up to my crush spooning me and grinding on my ass. I was in shock and very confused, i wasn’t sure if it was actually happening. i didn’t know what to do, my friend was asleep and the guy was significantly bigger than me and I knew he could get angry at times. so i just stayed still and tried to act like i was still asleep. a little while after he started to mess with the waist band of my leggings and i realized he was trying to get them off of me. I immediately shot up and acted like i just woke up and woke up my friend(he acted like he was asleep) but because i knew he wasn’t I typed into my friends phone(i couldn’t find mine) that we needed to go upstairs RIGHT NOW. during this exchange with my friend the boy “woke up” and asked me what time it was, i was shaking at this point and when i looked at him i could barely hold my glance. my friend and i went upstairs to her room and i told her what happened but she seemed disinterested even though i told her his cum was on my pants and i wanted to go home. it was about five in the morning then and she just went back to sleep in her bed while i changed out of all my clothes. I tried to brush it off as my own fault and that it wasn’t a big deal but i couldn’t stop shaking and i felt so disgusted with myself. My mom came to pick me up about an hour later and i tried to act like i was just tired. i couldn’t tell anyone. i took as many showers as i could before the hot water ran out but i still felt “dirty” if thats what you want to call it. i immediately shut myself in my room after and told my friend since fifth grade what had happened because we knew all of each others secrets from self harm and when my brother sexually assaulted me. it helped to hear her say that it wasn’t my fault. going to school the next day was really hard, especially because i had always been a touchy person and gave my friends hugs if i saw them in the halls or before class. i didn’t know how to explain to any of them that i didn’t want to be touched because i didn’t want anyone to know what happened. i did tell one of my close friends when she saw me because she could immediately tell something was seriously wrong with me, and i knew i could trust her. she apologized right away and said that she was so sorry that happened to me. but insisted that i had to tell someone(an authoritative figure). and as soon as she said that i started to have a panic attack(i struggled with anxiety for many years before). i don’t remember what happened but my friend said that i just kept repeating “you cant say anything, you cant tell”. I’m going to be a senior this year and while its been really hard, i’ve been able to deal with what happened but I still haven’t told my mom or anyone besides my close friends. some of them don’t understand still why i have flashbacks or why I’m still messed up from it all, so its been harder than i thought it could be. but some friends have been more than understanding and have helped me so much with dealing with it and not blaming myself and helping me trust people. I still don’t like sleeping at other peoples houses but it’s something i’ve come to terms with because my dog sleeps with me every night and helps me get comfortable being asleep with movement beside me. i used to wake up with fits of panic and i still sometimes wake up and punch my pillows thinking its him, but I have improved and i keep getting better every day. i wanted to share my story for those out there who have experienced sexual assault and had someone belittle how traumatic it was. only YOU get to decide how you feel about it. I’m always open to talk or to just be friends, or both! just leave a comment and ill message you!