I just really need to vent and get some advice if possible 😢

So I was in a relationship for 5 years that ended up being really toxic. It ended up being abusive emotionally and physically. A lot of cheating. I became extremely self destructive throughout the relationship. I got in two major car accidents, lost three jobs and dropped out of school. I was hurt and completely lost. Regardless of how bad it got I stayed and I chased someone who couldn’t love me. I broke up with him in may of 2016, but we still lived together until the beginning of January 2017. We were still having sex but he also had other people over when I wasn’t there. I knew about it, but I felt we weren’t together so I didn’t have a right to speak on it. I literally had no self respect. I ended up someone else December of 2016 which began as a friends with benefits situation. We both didn’t want a relationship at the times which I was okay with and I stopped having sex with my ex. I was still very hurt over my past relationship. I still checked on my ex and did my best to be a friend to him which he didn’t deserve. I ended up going to his new place, because he kept calling me all drunk, on drugs and crying begging me to help him. I ended up going to his house and helped him clean up. We got into a huge argument because I didn’t follow him while we driving to the correct parking lot at his house. I ended up getting extremely emotional. I wanted to leave but he wouldn’t let me blocking the door. I know I should have called the police but I was embarrassed. He then tried to have sex with me but I kept saying no. Literally crying saying no but I ended up giving in. I was so disgusted with myself. I ended up leaving while he was asleep and I asked him to not hit me up anymore. This happened at the end up January. While all this was going on I was still talking to the other guy. He mad me happy and treated me good, but I didn’t tell him about all this going on. I just literally told him my ex was crazy when It was way more then that 😩😒 After that I kept ignoring my ex, but I also would reply sometimes because I just felt guilty he kept threatening to kill himself if we didn’t talk and screaming on the top of his lungs, leaving me voicemails. I was having a really hard time letting go in a healthy way. About a month later my mom got arrested for her second dui and both of my siblings were taken by cps in the beginning of march. I completely fell apart and I ended up telling him. I just needed a friend at that time. He kept saying I want to come over and we can talk about it. I kept telling him no and I felt that he just wanted have sex with me. He kept denying saying he was trying to be there as a friend. Bruhhhh I ended up letting him come and he kept asking for sex. Again I would cry and say no multiple times. I legit didn’t want it but I gave in again. I just felt like I had to like he had control over me. I felt completely like shit again afterwards. When he left I told him to not call me anymore and blocked his number. He then kept calling from multiple numbers, message me from multiple accounts on social media, popped up at my best friends house and would drive around the city where I worked. I would do my best to be kind still and tell him he needs to move on. I honestly just wanted closure and a REAL apology I thought if I was kind enough I’d get it. I still felt guilty about him crying saying he was going to kill himself if I didn’t reply also. He then popped up at my moms house at the end of April and I told him I was seeing someone else. He completely flipped out and it got physical, not on my part. I didn’t even defend myself tbh 😩 I felt like I deserved it. I ended up having bruises on my neck and my whole body felt like I got whip lash. I ended up blocking the new guy I was talking to, because I was afraid my ex was going to tell him we had sex. Plus I didn’t want him in my drama. In June, the new guy which was now my boyfriend had got into an argument with my ex telling him to leave me alone. I ignored my ex after that, but I still was hurt about it. Still getting texts, calls and voicemails. I ended up changing my number, but then he popped up at my moms house at like 6 In the morning in the beginning of October. I told him to leave or I would call the police. He left which was good and I haven’t talked to him since. I ended up getting into a relationship with the guy I was talking to while I was going through all of this At the end of October 2017. However I didn’t tell him the truth about anything until beginning of May 2018. It really crushed him, but he also admitted to cheating on me which I understand. I wasn’t truthful with my situation. I forgive him but I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for my choices. I know I should have never involved anyone else in my problems. I want to move forward with him, but Im worried what we have been built on a faulty foundation. I care about him but I feel like I don’t deserve him. I just don’t know what my next step should be or how we would be able to get past this. Any advice?