my easy baby had an uncomplicated pregnancy.

my easy baby was born in 1 contraction.

my easy baby has no issues with breastfeeding.

my easy baby will take any bottle, with any temperature breastmilk.

my easy baby has always held his head up on his own.

my easy baby very rarely cries.

my easy baby will sleep anywhere.

my easy baby sleeps through the night.

but: i had a miscarriage before my uncomplicated pregnancy. i gained 50 pounds and my legs would shake and twitch, keeping me awake for months. the aches and pains of pregnancy had me in tears, daily in the third trimester, and i would sit in the shower for as long as there was warm water, trying to get some relief.

i was in labor for 4 days before my easy baby was born in one contraction. his shoulders got stuck and it caused a lot of tearing. i couldnt walk well for days and would rely on my husband to help me to the bathroom, and in and out of bed. i was never so embarrassed and so in love at the same time.

i took breastfeeding classes. they never mentioned what engorgment is like. that my nipples would crack and bleed. my arms would tremble as i would pinch down upon my breast to try and minimize the stinging pain. my whole body would ache from my tensed muscles. my easy baby would eat every 1-2hours during the day and i would barely make it to the bathroom. i choose between peeing or showering. showering or eating. eating or sleeping.

i started bleeding very heavily 1 year to the day of my miscarriage. my easy baby had to take a bottle when my obgyn said to go to the ER and i didnt want to take him where he could be at risk of getting sick. i was soaking through pads for days. i didnt want to go to the ER. mentally, i couldnt handle the timing. although i exclusively breastfeed, i got my period 4 weeks postpartum.

i cant stand watching family hold my baby. people handle him not like the newborn he is, because he can control his head. they hoist him and jostle him and they watch as he uses his whole being to stare at them so alertly. but hes only 1 week old. 3 weeks old. 6 weeks old. he isnt ready to be passed around, and so abruptly. dont yell at me that im overprotective, that im just a first time mom, or that i dont understand what a newborn is really like because i have an easy baby.

i cry all the time. the hormones raged inside me. after he was born i was afraid i would hurt him. i would have visions of me hurting him. i was afraid his stroller would flip over, that he would stop breathing, or something would happen to us. the anxiety was the worst i had ever experienced—and i have a history of anxiety and depression. i couldnt take anything to help me not feel like i was going to die—i had to feed my easy baby. i didnt want him to suffer the side effects of medication or not get the benefits of my breast milk. i am never alone and alone all the time. i have never felt so lonely.

i wake up every 3 hours. the hormones make me feel wired. my breasts are engorged, hard and leaking and i need to pump for some relief. i feed my easy baby, i cant fall back to sleep. i miss his face.

for all moms out there, if you have an easy baby, or if you dont—you have a baby and its hard. you are tested. you are lucky. you are hurting. you are overjoyed. you feel guilty and happy and sad. and youre doing a great job. youre doing the best you can.